When I first researched IVF, before it was even a choice for us, I balled. The idea of injecting myself, daily, was scary. But when it became our only choice.... I don't know how to explain it, except to say that survivor mode kicked in. There were no thoughts about not being able to do it, I just plowed ahead booking flights, finding a room and gathering 'stuff' I'd need for my month away from home.
We chose our clinic for three reasons. We were comfortable with their success rates, they were privately run (not government) and it was in a city I'd like to spend a whole month of my life in.
We lucked out and found a great deal on Vacation Rentals by Owner and got a basement suite in a brand new home for $50/night.
There was no looking back, no looking around, everything moved in a forward motion.... until I got there. :)
The morning after I arrived I had my first blood/ultrasound appointment, at 7:30am. Blood seemed to go fine, but the ultrasound turned up a cyst, which meant that the birth control/supressents I'd been on might not have worked.
I was sent away to wait for my blood test results to come in.... if they were normal I got to stay and proceed, but if they showed a rise in estrogen, I'd be sent home and asked to start over.... needless to say, I had a choice to make... I felt defeat, worry, nerves creeping into the picture. I felt my brain take a break from all the planning I had been doing. There was no point in running the errands I'd planed, getting groceries, etc.... was there? It didn't take long to over ride the negativity... of course I was gonna run my errands, I was gonna get groceries... I wasn't going home. I was getting IVF and I was gettin' me a baby or two!
Back in my room, fresh from the taxi, putting away the groceries my cell phone rang and the clinic gave me the good news. I could go back in and get the drugs required for treatment, the blood test came back fine!
The first hurdle had been cleared. Next hurdle, the first needle....
Friday, August 19, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Decision Branch
When we were finally given the news, that we had a 1-2 % chance of conceiving on our own, we were given three choices on how to proceed.
1. IUI
2. IVF
3. Donor Eggs
Since our set back stemmed from my poor ovarian reserve (egg storage) and my husband's unpredictable sperm, We ruled out IUI. This had been our fall back while we were in the 'unexplained infertility' category. We didn't want to pull out the big guns, when a little one would do.... but, once the issue had been identified we quickly saw the cons in the IUI choice.
IUI is a bit of a short cut in a way. Ovulation is monitored and once 'it's time' then off to the clinic you go and sperm is injected into the body much closer to the eggs. This means less swimming and searching for the little guys, which hopefully means a better chance of conception. For us, our chances only increased to 7% if we decided to use this option. Though it was significantly less expensive than the other two options, it ran an additional risk.
Because it was my ovarian reserve that had been called into question, and they couldn't pin point whether it was a quality or quantity issue, there were additional 'things' to consider. If it was the quanity we had no way of telling if I was producing an egg that month. If it was quality than we increased our chance of conceiving a special needs child.
The idea of donor eggs was unbearable for me. I couldn't imagine carrying a child that was 1/2 my husband's and 1/2 someone elses. I knew that if it became necessary I may be able to wrap my head around it, but in that moment we had another choice. One that increased our chances quite a bit.
We decided to go with IVF almost immediately. I was proud of how easily I fell into this decision, considering a few months before the idea of IVF had brought me to tears. But with this option our chances increased quite a bit. We had over a 40% chance of getting pregnant and normal chances of taking home a live baby at the end of all of it. I have to admit, that since we didn't have a fertility clinic here, the idea of taking a month off work to live in a whole new city had its appeal too!
The cost of IVF, plus the travel plans we'd have to make was a bit daunting. We knew the procedure would cost at least $7,000, the drugs about $5,000, plus two return flights, a hotel for a month, food, a car rental, etc. But this was one area we didn't dwell too long. This was an area we had some control.
1. IUI
2. IVF
3. Donor Eggs
Since our set back stemmed from my poor ovarian reserve (egg storage) and my husband's unpredictable sperm, We ruled out IUI. This had been our fall back while we were in the 'unexplained infertility' category. We didn't want to pull out the big guns, when a little one would do.... but, once the issue had been identified we quickly saw the cons in the IUI choice.
IUI is a bit of a short cut in a way. Ovulation is monitored and once 'it's time' then off to the clinic you go and sperm is injected into the body much closer to the eggs. This means less swimming and searching for the little guys, which hopefully means a better chance of conception. For us, our chances only increased to 7% if we decided to use this option. Though it was significantly less expensive than the other two options, it ran an additional risk.
Because it was my ovarian reserve that had been called into question, and they couldn't pin point whether it was a quality or quantity issue, there were additional 'things' to consider. If it was the quanity we had no way of telling if I was producing an egg that month. If it was quality than we increased our chance of conceiving a special needs child.
The idea of donor eggs was unbearable for me. I couldn't imagine carrying a child that was 1/2 my husband's and 1/2 someone elses. I knew that if it became necessary I may be able to wrap my head around it, but in that moment we had another choice. One that increased our chances quite a bit.
We decided to go with IVF almost immediately. I was proud of how easily I fell into this decision, considering a few months before the idea of IVF had brought me to tears. But with this option our chances increased quite a bit. We had over a 40% chance of getting pregnant and normal chances of taking home a live baby at the end of all of it. I have to admit, that since we didn't have a fertility clinic here, the idea of taking a month off work to live in a whole new city had its appeal too!
The cost of IVF, plus the travel plans we'd have to make was a bit daunting. We knew the procedure would cost at least $7,000, the drugs about $5,000, plus two return flights, a hotel for a month, food, a car rental, etc. But this was one area we didn't dwell too long. This was an area we had some control.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
The Tally Branch
Poking and proding, so far...
(From August 2009 - March 2010)
Blood Tests - 9
Urine Tests - 1
HSG - 1
MRI - 1
Months on Chaste Tree - 5 months
Months on Clomid - 3 months
Ultra Sound External - 1
Ultra Sound Internal - 2
Months of Saliva Testing - 6
Months of BBT - 4
(From August 2009 - March 2010)
Blood Tests - 9
Urine Tests - 1
HSG - 1
MRI - 1
Months on Chaste Tree - 5 months
Months on Clomid - 3 months
Ultra Sound External - 1
Ultra Sound Internal - 2
Months of Saliva Testing - 6
Months of BBT - 4
Saturday, May 28, 2011
The Politically Correct Branch
I used to think all this political correctness talk was confusing. It made life complicated and it was so easy to put your foot in your month if you weren't up to date on the latest title. Having spent some time up in this tree, I've had a bit of time to think about how to get down.... and being politically correct seems like a good step.
It's always bothered me when doctors would refer to me as infertile or talk about my infertility.... especially before they had a diagnosis. It wasn't until I read The Secret (yes, I read The Secret) that I began to think about the power of attraction. I started to think of different ways to attract positivity into my life and somehow refering to myself as infertile didn't seem like the best idea. If the universe was listening it would more than likely pass right over me without a kiss from the baby wand, after all, I was sending out "can't" vibes all over the place.
I've hemmed and hawed over what title should be appropriate. "Fertility Challenged" was really the only thing that came close, at first. Though it wasn't perfect because it still suggested a negative outcome, we didn't want this to be a challenge, we wanted this to be as easy as it could be, yes?
Eventually it dawned on me. "I am fertile." "I am fertile." "I am fertile." I may have been told I only have a 1-2% chance, but that still made me fertile. How dare anyone try to take that away from me!
I now go to the Dr's to talk about my fertility or take fertility drugs or research fertility, it's one of many changes I've made to my life to keep it positive.
It's always bothered me when doctors would refer to me as infertile or talk about my infertility.... especially before they had a diagnosis. It wasn't until I read The Secret (yes, I read The Secret) that I began to think about the power of attraction. I started to think of different ways to attract positivity into my life and somehow refering to myself as infertile didn't seem like the best idea. If the universe was listening it would more than likely pass right over me without a kiss from the baby wand, after all, I was sending out "can't" vibes all over the place.
I've hemmed and hawed over what title should be appropriate. "Fertility Challenged" was really the only thing that came close, at first. Though it wasn't perfect because it still suggested a negative outcome, we didn't want this to be a challenge, we wanted this to be as easy as it could be, yes?
Eventually it dawned on me. "I am fertile." "I am fertile." "I am fertile." I may have been told I only have a 1-2% chance, but that still made me fertile. How dare anyone try to take that away from me!
I now go to the Dr's to talk about my fertility or take fertility drugs or research fertility, it's one of many changes I've made to my life to keep it positive.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
The Education Branch
For KB
I once read that dealing with fertility issues can cause the same amount of stress as dealing with cancer or AIDS. What I'm about to write may not feel very positive, but I'm writing it because I hope that, with some luck, this might fall across the lap of someone who can get pregnant at the drop of hat and will help them to understand what their friend or co-worker who can't, needs.
Since people these days seems to have a better understanding of cancer, I'm going to use this to highlight my thoughts.
1. Would you ask a cancer patient when they were going to get healthy? As much as we'd like to think pregnancy is in our control, it's not, those who plan their conceptions really just get lucky, the rest of us have to leave it up to Mother Nature or Science or the combination of the two. And since you really can't tell who might be having a hard time conceiving and who might just be waiting, you're better off not asking at all.
2. Would you say to a cancer patient "Why don't you get Chemo?" 'Cause we know that Chemo puts some cancers to rest, but not all and we also know that it's a really icky experience not to be taken lightly, so to tell someone who can't get pregnant on their own "Why don't you adopt?" or "Why don't you do IVF?" Well, its a lot simpler to say than to do.
IVF is a month long process that includes self administered needles three times a day for two weeks, regular internal ultra sounds and blood tests, if your body responds well to this part of the treatment then eggs are sucked out of your body through a thin tube placed in your cervix. A lot of drugs are used to kill the pain of this experience. Depending on how many eggs your potentially bloated body mananged to produce this could take two minutes or twenty.
The embriologists let the sperm and the eggs meet in a petrie dish or the embriologist will help the sperm connect with the eggs with a needle, only a portion of the eggs will successfully fertilize, then they wait to see which ones mature. If any mature they are inserted back into the body (with a very full bladder) in much the same way as they were taken out, only less painfully and then you go home and wait.
Two weeks later more blood is drawn, if all goes well in a few days time you'll have a positive pregnancy test, at this time you'll take another blood test to confirm. There is about a 50% chance you'll get a yes, but like all other pregnancies miscarriage is higher in the first three months, so the chances of actually taking a baby home are lower. All of this fun for the low price of $15,000-$20,000, per try.
Adoption is about the same. The cost can start around $15,000 and land anywhere in the upwards area. You need to fill out paper work and you need to find three friends to vouch for you. The social worker watches your family for three months and asks all kinds of prying (but kind, I'm sure) questions. These questions can range from, "Who cooks dinner?" to "How often do you have intercourse?" You also get to choose what your preferences are. Such as: "We'd like a girl" or "We don't want a child with a disability" After you've been approved you wait.
Sometimes people are lucky enough to get a child right away (the less pickier, the quicker), others wait years or even decades. Very few will receive a newborn. Even international adoptions yield very few newborns.
For some these 'easy' solutions are just as emotional and exhausting as trying to conceive naturally.
3. Would you tell someone with Cancer if they just learned to handle their stress they could be healthy again? While stress can make you sick we also know that there are so many other factors that can cause Cancer. Fertility works the same. A common diagnosis for those experiencing trouble is unexplained infertility, because the Dr's can't figure out why this is happening. Reproduction still has many missing puzzle pieces.
4. Would you tell a cancer patient that they can have your life if they wanted? No, because you know it's not possible. Someone who can't make babies will see your light and funny offer to take your children as insulting. For starters they know you're not serious, you'd never give your children up, so you're essentially teasing them and in the same breath you're taking for granted and making light of the miracle the universe allowed you. Essentially you're showing someone who has no power over the gift of conception that you think you do. It kinda feels like you're saying "It's okay, its easy for me to make another one."
5. Would you tell a Cancer patient that _______________ will fix the problem? When I say ____________ I mean things like eating yams, or wearing boxers, or having sex under a full moon, or standing on your head afterwards? Chances are you would, because you care about the person's happiness, but I've learned you're better off keeping those ideas to yourself. I'd lay bets that anyone going through this has already heard your idea from their Dr or has done their research on the internet. What is needed is understanding when we act out of character or disapear from family functions. What is needed is a shoulder to cry on and a freind to vent to. We need someone to listen and to tell us that we're not crazy. And in my experience, with some of the things I felt I needed to do to get through all of this, I really needed strong people in my life who would know my actions were about healing me and not hurting them.
Which brings me to:
6. Would you be upset if a dying cancer patient chose not to come to someone's 50th birthday party? If they appeared healthy, you might not understand that the person who only has a few months left to live might have a hard time celebrating a milestone they may never see. So if someone having trouble trying to conceive RSVPs no to a baby shower, or christening or doesn't come to see your child at the hospital after it's born, know that this has nothing to do with you. They're at home crying their eyes out because they feel a complex mix of emotions that include feeling sorry for themself, happy for you, jealous, frustrated, angry, etc.
It's a bit of a shot in the dark, but I know for me, I'd prefer to be invited to such an event, so at least I could show the Mother-to-be that I was happy for her by sending a gift with someone, even if I couldn't bring myself to be there pysically. Some would prefer to pretend that these things aren't happening at all. Neither is wrong.
Some things you could keep in mind to be more sensitive to any one who might be experiencing these frustrations:
I know for me, I often felt a moment of panic when I ran into a obviously pregnant woman. My stomach would drop, I'm sure my eyes bulged and my cheeks may have even flushed. Their very obvious fertility only highlighted my lack of it. I felt small in a pregnant woman's presence, insignificant and left behind. She was chosen and special, I was the kid no one wanted on their team.
It was important for me when I was around those women that life not revolve around their miracle. I could get through those moments if the belly was ignored. We could talk about the weather, what we had for lunch, who was just kicked off American Idol, but your due date, maternity clothes, names you're picking out, furniture you're ordering, how excited and blessed you are only helped to drive the point home and me crazy, often with greif. For the most part I'd have preferred to just turn around and walk the other way than take the chance that someone would understand what I needed.
Heck, I stopped logging on to facebook for awhile because I was afraid of being surprised by someone's ultra sound pic, happy announcement, or first days of life pics. There were some friends that when I saw their name in my email inbox I would hesitat in opening their message, because even though they knew what I was going through, they just didn't get it.
I'm sure a senstive person wouldn't tell their sick with cancer friend how the dr. gushed with a glowing report of health and that the Dr. thinks you'll live to be 100. If you didn't know what kind of feelings you were drumming up for your friend with cancer, you'd at least know that those kinds of things would leave them feeling hurt.
I know it's hard to watch everything you say, but the first step is to remember that starting a family is private and personal. If someone isn't telling you, then you shouldn't be asking. After that it gets a bit more complicated, but if you do your best to let that person guide the situation and remember their decisions are about them and not about you, then things should be a little less complicated....???? Yes???
I once read that dealing with fertility issues can cause the same amount of stress as dealing with cancer or AIDS. What I'm about to write may not feel very positive, but I'm writing it because I hope that, with some luck, this might fall across the lap of someone who can get pregnant at the drop of hat and will help them to understand what their friend or co-worker who can't, needs.
Since people these days seems to have a better understanding of cancer, I'm going to use this to highlight my thoughts.
1. Would you ask a cancer patient when they were going to get healthy? As much as we'd like to think pregnancy is in our control, it's not, those who plan their conceptions really just get lucky, the rest of us have to leave it up to Mother Nature or Science or the combination of the two. And since you really can't tell who might be having a hard time conceiving and who might just be waiting, you're better off not asking at all.
2. Would you say to a cancer patient "Why don't you get Chemo?" 'Cause we know that Chemo puts some cancers to rest, but not all and we also know that it's a really icky experience not to be taken lightly, so to tell someone who can't get pregnant on their own "Why don't you adopt?" or "Why don't you do IVF?" Well, its a lot simpler to say than to do.
IVF is a month long process that includes self administered needles three times a day for two weeks, regular internal ultra sounds and blood tests, if your body responds well to this part of the treatment then eggs are sucked out of your body through a thin tube placed in your cervix. A lot of drugs are used to kill the pain of this experience. Depending on how many eggs your potentially bloated body mananged to produce this could take two minutes or twenty.
The embriologists let the sperm and the eggs meet in a petrie dish or the embriologist will help the sperm connect with the eggs with a needle, only a portion of the eggs will successfully fertilize, then they wait to see which ones mature. If any mature they are inserted back into the body (with a very full bladder) in much the same way as they were taken out, only less painfully and then you go home and wait.
Two weeks later more blood is drawn, if all goes well in a few days time you'll have a positive pregnancy test, at this time you'll take another blood test to confirm. There is about a 50% chance you'll get a yes, but like all other pregnancies miscarriage is higher in the first three months, so the chances of actually taking a baby home are lower. All of this fun for the low price of $15,000-$20,000, per try.
Adoption is about the same. The cost can start around $15,000 and land anywhere in the upwards area. You need to fill out paper work and you need to find three friends to vouch for you. The social worker watches your family for three months and asks all kinds of prying (but kind, I'm sure) questions. These questions can range from, "Who cooks dinner?" to "How often do you have intercourse?" You also get to choose what your preferences are. Such as: "We'd like a girl" or "We don't want a child with a disability" After you've been approved you wait.
Sometimes people are lucky enough to get a child right away (the less pickier, the quicker), others wait years or even decades. Very few will receive a newborn. Even international adoptions yield very few newborns.
For some these 'easy' solutions are just as emotional and exhausting as trying to conceive naturally.
3. Would you tell someone with Cancer if they just learned to handle their stress they could be healthy again? While stress can make you sick we also know that there are so many other factors that can cause Cancer. Fertility works the same. A common diagnosis for those experiencing trouble is unexplained infertility, because the Dr's can't figure out why this is happening. Reproduction still has many missing puzzle pieces.
4. Would you tell a cancer patient that they can have your life if they wanted? No, because you know it's not possible. Someone who can't make babies will see your light and funny offer to take your children as insulting. For starters they know you're not serious, you'd never give your children up, so you're essentially teasing them and in the same breath you're taking for granted and making light of the miracle the universe allowed you. Essentially you're showing someone who has no power over the gift of conception that you think you do. It kinda feels like you're saying "It's okay, its easy for me to make another one."
5. Would you tell a Cancer patient that _______________ will fix the problem? When I say ____________ I mean things like eating yams, or wearing boxers, or having sex under a full moon, or standing on your head afterwards? Chances are you would, because you care about the person's happiness, but I've learned you're better off keeping those ideas to yourself. I'd lay bets that anyone going through this has already heard your idea from their Dr or has done their research on the internet. What is needed is understanding when we act out of character or disapear from family functions. What is needed is a shoulder to cry on and a freind to vent to. We need someone to listen and to tell us that we're not crazy. And in my experience, with some of the things I felt I needed to do to get through all of this, I really needed strong people in my life who would know my actions were about healing me and not hurting them.
Which brings me to:
6. Would you be upset if a dying cancer patient chose not to come to someone's 50th birthday party? If they appeared healthy, you might not understand that the person who only has a few months left to live might have a hard time celebrating a milestone they may never see. So if someone having trouble trying to conceive RSVPs no to a baby shower, or christening or doesn't come to see your child at the hospital after it's born, know that this has nothing to do with you. They're at home crying their eyes out because they feel a complex mix of emotions that include feeling sorry for themself, happy for you, jealous, frustrated, angry, etc.
It's a bit of a shot in the dark, but I know for me, I'd prefer to be invited to such an event, so at least I could show the Mother-to-be that I was happy for her by sending a gift with someone, even if I couldn't bring myself to be there pysically. Some would prefer to pretend that these things aren't happening at all. Neither is wrong.
Some things you could keep in mind to be more sensitive to any one who might be experiencing these frustrations:
I know for me, I often felt a moment of panic when I ran into a obviously pregnant woman. My stomach would drop, I'm sure my eyes bulged and my cheeks may have even flushed. Their very obvious fertility only highlighted my lack of it. I felt small in a pregnant woman's presence, insignificant and left behind. She was chosen and special, I was the kid no one wanted on their team.
It was important for me when I was around those women that life not revolve around their miracle. I could get through those moments if the belly was ignored. We could talk about the weather, what we had for lunch, who was just kicked off American Idol, but your due date, maternity clothes, names you're picking out, furniture you're ordering, how excited and blessed you are only helped to drive the point home and me crazy, often with greif. For the most part I'd have preferred to just turn around and walk the other way than take the chance that someone would understand what I needed.
Heck, I stopped logging on to facebook for awhile because I was afraid of being surprised by someone's ultra sound pic, happy announcement, or first days of life pics. There were some friends that when I saw their name in my email inbox I would hesitat in opening their message, because even though they knew what I was going through, they just didn't get it.
I'm sure a senstive person wouldn't tell their sick with cancer friend how the dr. gushed with a glowing report of health and that the Dr. thinks you'll live to be 100. If you didn't know what kind of feelings you were drumming up for your friend with cancer, you'd at least know that those kinds of things would leave them feeling hurt.
I know it's hard to watch everything you say, but the first step is to remember that starting a family is private and personal. If someone isn't telling you, then you shouldn't be asking. After that it gets a bit more complicated, but if you do your best to let that person guide the situation and remember their decisions are about them and not about you, then things should be a little less complicated....???? Yes???
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Poetry Branch
I found an O magazine a few weeks ago and have been slowly leafing through it reading one wonderful article after another. This issue touches on poetry and the article I'm reading right now, a poet named Mary Oliver is interviewed, a women I would suddenly like to know more about. They've published one of her poems in the article, something that speaks to a deeper me each time I read it.
If anyone has battled with negative self talk or tried turning their days from dark to light, this poem may speak to you too.
The Journey
By Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations -
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life you could save.
If anyone has battled with negative self talk or tried turning their days from dark to light, this poem may speak to you too.
The Journey
By Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations -
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life you could save.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
The New Age Branch
I think I was reading the Celestine Prophecy when I developed this picture in my head, but ever since I was a young 20 something I've believed that the energy connecting us is where babies come from. They float around and form into something that has a purpose and it's first step in achieving that purpose is to find a vessle in which to be born from. There is scrutinizing criteria in this search and the parents chosen will provide a "balancing" energy to help that 'child' do what's it's meant to do in life.
I struggled greatly with this belief when it appeared, monthly, that no one saw my husband and I worthy of their mission. It was a level of rejection I didn't know how to deal with.
It wasn't until our recent diagnosis that an explanation occured to me. Just because we haven't gotten pregnant yet, doesn't mean no one's lining up to be a part of our family. It only means that no one has been handed a key, just yet.
The key is now in our hands.
I struggled greatly with this belief when it appeared, monthly, that no one saw my husband and I worthy of their mission. It was a level of rejection I didn't know how to deal with.
It wasn't until our recent diagnosis that an explanation occured to me. Just because we haven't gotten pregnant yet, doesn't mean no one's lining up to be a part of our family. It only means that no one has been handed a key, just yet.
The key is now in our hands.
Monday, March 28, 2011
The Gratitude Branch
It's hard being grateful for a life that isn't working out the way you envisioned it.
Struggling, daily, with fertility isn't just about whether or not you have a baby, it's also about who you are and how you live your life.
For me, there was never a question of whether or not I was going to be a Mother. It's what I was put on this earth to do. I'm not a career person, (it took me a long time to admit that), I am a Mom. The question was whether or not I would find a man to share these goals with me and when I finally did.... here we are, twenty months in and moving toward IVF.
The job I took to hold me over until we had kids has all kinds of great benefits, the salary being the best of it.... Sadly, I am more often than not bored and unfulfilled and that makes it so much easier for the darkness to find me. Once enveloped it's so easy to sink into the black hole and get lost to a million insecurities.
To pull myself out, I have to remember that I am not completely out of control in all corners of my life. I may not like my job, but I choose to keep it because I work with a great bunch of ladies who make me laugh, I have a boss who's understanding of all of my medical appointments and my pay cheque is paying for the future we will have. If our path leads in a suitable direction, I can quit.
In the meantime I work at bringing fulfillment into other areas of my life. This blog is one. I've taken up knitting and I'm putting a strong focus on our social life.
To remind ourselves and keep the focus on the positive my husband and I give a quick run down of things we're grateful for while we're eating our dinner. Such as; "I'm grateful the snow is melting." "I'm grateful that my friends look out for me." "I'm grateful to have made the girls at work laugh today." and to remind us of the mark we make in the world we list three positives before we go to bed most nights. "I'm happy that I took steps to mend a broken relationship." "I'm happy that I took the initiative at work to make life easier for the rest of the office" "I'm impressed that I overcame my fears and took a step forward today."
These small things help to remind us that the journey can be just as rewarding as the goal.
Struggling, daily, with fertility isn't just about whether or not you have a baby, it's also about who you are and how you live your life.
For me, there was never a question of whether or not I was going to be a Mother. It's what I was put on this earth to do. I'm not a career person, (it took me a long time to admit that), I am a Mom. The question was whether or not I would find a man to share these goals with me and when I finally did.... here we are, twenty months in and moving toward IVF.
The job I took to hold me over until we had kids has all kinds of great benefits, the salary being the best of it.... Sadly, I am more often than not bored and unfulfilled and that makes it so much easier for the darkness to find me. Once enveloped it's so easy to sink into the black hole and get lost to a million insecurities.
To pull myself out, I have to remember that I am not completely out of control in all corners of my life. I may not like my job, but I choose to keep it because I work with a great bunch of ladies who make me laugh, I have a boss who's understanding of all of my medical appointments and my pay cheque is paying for the future we will have. If our path leads in a suitable direction, I can quit.
In the meantime I work at bringing fulfillment into other areas of my life. This blog is one. I've taken up knitting and I'm putting a strong focus on our social life.
To remind ourselves and keep the focus on the positive my husband and I give a quick run down of things we're grateful for while we're eating our dinner. Such as; "I'm grateful the snow is melting." "I'm grateful that my friends look out for me." "I'm grateful to have made the girls at work laugh today." and to remind us of the mark we make in the world we list three positives before we go to bed most nights. "I'm happy that I took steps to mend a broken relationship." "I'm happy that I took the initiative at work to make life easier for the rest of the office" "I'm impressed that I overcame my fears and took a step forward today."
These small things help to remind us that the journey can be just as rewarding as the goal.
Friday, March 18, 2011
The Chances Branch
Things that we're doing to increase our chances of conceiving:
1. I've given up alcohol. There are studies that show it can decrease your chances of conceiving by 50% and that it also reduces your chances of success with IVF. My husband will be following suit after our next Dr.s app.
2. Evening primrose and ground up flax seed to increase my cervical mucus. There are three types of CM, all of them, but one, will help you NOT get pregnanct. The fertile type of CM has a consistency of egg whites and will be noticed around ovulation time. Though not all women will notice their CM without a little internal exploration.
3. I'm trying to cut gluten out of my diet until my most recent blood tests come back. We're trying to rule a few things out and since I already have a wheat intolerance.... recent studies show that celiac's disease is linked to fertility problems and that about 10% of unexplained infertility could be solved with a Gluten free diet.
4. Since I'm a vegetarian and iron levels can affect fertility I now drink a protein shake every morning.
5. I've gained the 5-10 pounds the Gyn. suggested.
6. I'm trying to find time in my day to exercise.
7. I do my best to meditate
8. My husband and I have started two rituals that focus on gratitude. The first is at dinner where we list at least one thing that we're thankful for and then at bedtime we list three positive things we've accomplished during the day. These exercises are meant to bring more joy into our lives.
9. Retail therapy. Instead of getting depressed because I can't buy something cute for our children, I buy it anyway.
10. I've been looking for something in my life to fulfill me, to give me satisfaction. At first I assumed this meant taking on a second job (one I liked), but now I realize it simply means activities that make me happy.... I've taken up knitting and I'm putting more focus on our social life.
11. Preseed a sperm friendly lubricant.... if you didn't know it, most lubes have sperm killers in them.
1. I've given up alcohol. There are studies that show it can decrease your chances of conceiving by 50% and that it also reduces your chances of success with IVF. My husband will be following suit after our next Dr.s app.
2. Evening primrose and ground up flax seed to increase my cervical mucus. There are three types of CM, all of them, but one, will help you NOT get pregnanct. The fertile type of CM has a consistency of egg whites and will be noticed around ovulation time. Though not all women will notice their CM without a little internal exploration.
3. I'm trying to cut gluten out of my diet until my most recent blood tests come back. We're trying to rule a few things out and since I already have a wheat intolerance.... recent studies show that celiac's disease is linked to fertility problems and that about 10% of unexplained infertility could be solved with a Gluten free diet.
4. Since I'm a vegetarian and iron levels can affect fertility I now drink a protein shake every morning.
5. I've gained the 5-10 pounds the Gyn. suggested.
6. I'm trying to find time in my day to exercise.
7. I do my best to meditate
8. My husband and I have started two rituals that focus on gratitude. The first is at dinner where we list at least one thing that we're thankful for and then at bedtime we list three positive things we've accomplished during the day. These exercises are meant to bring more joy into our lives.
9. Retail therapy. Instead of getting depressed because I can't buy something cute for our children, I buy it anyway.
10. I've been looking for something in my life to fulfill me, to give me satisfaction. At first I assumed this meant taking on a second job (one I liked), but now I realize it simply means activities that make me happy.... I've taken up knitting and I'm putting more focus on our social life.
11. Preseed a sperm friendly lubricant.... if you didn't know it, most lubes have sperm killers in them.
The Clomid Branch
I've been waiting to write about my experiences with Clomid, until the first three rounds I was prescribed, were done.
Clomid is a drug that's used to help women ovulate. If I understand correctly, it unleashes a whole lot of progesterone into your system to help with ovulation. Since I have no issue with ovulation, my success rate on the drug was minimal. We chose to take three treatments in the hope that the extra stimulation might be the wee burst of je ne c'est quoi that was needed to get us 'up the pole'.... otherwise, the next steps involved a very expensive trip south where there would be fertility treatment facilities available to us.
I was excited to take my first round. There was a sense of relief that we had finally crossed the limbo threshold and was now in the arena of moving forward. We had some control over the situation, we were making choices and we had a little hope back in our lives.
I took the first pill just before bed on the night of November 20th. Taking the pill at bedtime was a strategic manoeuvre to sleep off the worst of the side effects associated with this drug. It seemed to work. That's not to say I didn't feel anything at all. I already had regular and constant breast ache, plus what I called pelvic pressure which felt like I was ovulating 24/7. In addition I did feel some morning sickness, some dizziness, at one stage my nipples were cray sensitive, swollen and for awhile totally erect. I was already pretty emotional, so I don't know if the drugs increased the sadness I was feeling or if that was just me...
My first period on this drug was due on my birthday, so of course I prayed it wouldn't come, two fold. Period day was a sad day for me and I didn't want that to get in the way of what should have been a happy day. Someone was listening; my birthday came and went with no period. I hoped this was a good sign, despite the loss of sensitivy in my nipples and the kinda crampy feeling that was creeping up on me.
At 4am, the morning after my period was due; I woke up with major cramps. I lay in bed trying to fight off tears and pain, all the while trying to get back to sleep. Finally I got up, hoping a hot water bottle would work, when that failed I tried tea and something to eat and when that failed, I just cried. (no pain killers in the house, nothing open at 4am)
I went to work despite the exhaustion. I felt too guilty about all the time I was taking off for Dr's appointments, etc. to call in sick. Surprisingly, despite the major cramps, my period still hadn't showed up. I walked through that day teetering between hope and dismay. I killed the day on the internet trying to find out as much as I could about implantation and early pregnancy signs.
The next six days were spent expelling mucus, blood clots and a wee bit of brown blood from my body, but my period never arrived. Confused and unsure what all of this meant I took a few pregnancy tests, all of which were negative.
For my last attempt to find out what was going on with my body I went to the Pharmacist who I thought might understand the side effects of the drug, she sent me away with instructions to talk to my Dr. So I called both my Gyn. and my Naturalpath who, surprisingly, gave me conflicting 'guesses' at what was going on.
The Gyn. thought that maybe it was a pregnancy, but due to an insufficient number of chromosomes I would miscarry, though he also said that may not be the case, that it could also be just my period. He recommended that I not take my next round of Clomid until I had a 'definitive' period.
The Naturalpath thought it was more than likely my cycle and that the increased amount of progesterone was making it behave oddly. He suggested I continue with the Clomid.
We decided to follow the Gyn's advice, since he was the one who prescribed the drug.
Part of the Clomid procedure was going in for a 'day 21' blood test, which I did. It wasn't until later that my Gyn. made a change since I have a 26 day cycle (not the usual 28) and told me to get my blood taken on day 19.
The blood test measures progesterone levels to see if you ovulated. The results came back a week later showing levels of 30. Drs. are happy to see anything over 10. (or was it 20?)
January 3rd (19 days later) my period arrived, again.
Three days later, I began my secound round of Clomid.
Leading up to my second round my breasts took on a whole new feeling. They constantly felt bruised, which ended when I got my period. Still not sure what that was about.
This round I also started taking 1500mg of Evening Primrose a day. It's a natural suppliment that you can buy at the drugstore. I got it to help increase my cervical mucus output... I found out later that it also helps with breast pain. The catch with Evening Primrose is that you can't take it after ovulation since it can cause contractions, so the best method is to take the EP from day one of your period until the day of ovulation and switch to ground up flax seeds until you start your period again.
This round I had some moring nausea, stabbing pains in my pelvic area and breasts, I was bloated, but my cervical mucus was improving. On day 26 my period arrived, again.
We found out after my period arrived that my blood test showed progesterone levels of 127, a huge increase over the last time, for some this means they're pregnant, for me, it just meant I ovulated really well.
Three days later we began our final round.
Symptoms much the same, but this time the morning nausea left me feeling like I might actually get sick and most mornings was afraid to get out of bed lest I disturb my insides. My nipples where once again sensitive and were changing colour (which they'd done off and on in the past.) And I had indigestion (from increased levels of progesterone.) On day 27 my period arrived.
This last blood test showed levels of 109, again a great ovulation, but no pregnancy.
The day before my period arrived we had a phone consult with a fertility specialist we saw while on vacation. She actually had an explanation for our infertility, which was such a relief and so sad at the same time.
She told us that I was borderline too old to have babies. That at the tender age of 36 my Ovarian Reserve was showing signs of age, she was also concerned about the shape of my husband's sperm and gave us a 1-2% chance of conceiving without medical assistance.
In a few days time we'll have a consult with a Canadian specialist (via conference call) to explore the miraculous world of IVF.
The positives of this outcome? Our likelihood of conceiving increases, greatly and we'll get a vacation from work in the big city with Indian restaurants and shopping malls! Woo hoo!
Clomid is a drug that's used to help women ovulate. If I understand correctly, it unleashes a whole lot of progesterone into your system to help with ovulation. Since I have no issue with ovulation, my success rate on the drug was minimal. We chose to take three treatments in the hope that the extra stimulation might be the wee burst of je ne c'est quoi that was needed to get us 'up the pole'.... otherwise, the next steps involved a very expensive trip south where there would be fertility treatment facilities available to us.
I was excited to take my first round. There was a sense of relief that we had finally crossed the limbo threshold and was now in the arena of moving forward. We had some control over the situation, we were making choices and we had a little hope back in our lives.
I took the first pill just before bed on the night of November 20th. Taking the pill at bedtime was a strategic manoeuvre to sleep off the worst of the side effects associated with this drug. It seemed to work. That's not to say I didn't feel anything at all. I already had regular and constant breast ache, plus what I called pelvic pressure which felt like I was ovulating 24/7. In addition I did feel some morning sickness, some dizziness, at one stage my nipples were cray sensitive, swollen and for awhile totally erect. I was already pretty emotional, so I don't know if the drugs increased the sadness I was feeling or if that was just me...
My first period on this drug was due on my birthday, so of course I prayed it wouldn't come, two fold. Period day was a sad day for me and I didn't want that to get in the way of what should have been a happy day. Someone was listening; my birthday came and went with no period. I hoped this was a good sign, despite the loss of sensitivy in my nipples and the kinda crampy feeling that was creeping up on me.
At 4am, the morning after my period was due; I woke up with major cramps. I lay in bed trying to fight off tears and pain, all the while trying to get back to sleep. Finally I got up, hoping a hot water bottle would work, when that failed I tried tea and something to eat and when that failed, I just cried. (no pain killers in the house, nothing open at 4am)
I went to work despite the exhaustion. I felt too guilty about all the time I was taking off for Dr's appointments, etc. to call in sick. Surprisingly, despite the major cramps, my period still hadn't showed up. I walked through that day teetering between hope and dismay. I killed the day on the internet trying to find out as much as I could about implantation and early pregnancy signs.
The next six days were spent expelling mucus, blood clots and a wee bit of brown blood from my body, but my period never arrived. Confused and unsure what all of this meant I took a few pregnancy tests, all of which were negative.
For my last attempt to find out what was going on with my body I went to the Pharmacist who I thought might understand the side effects of the drug, she sent me away with instructions to talk to my Dr. So I called both my Gyn. and my Naturalpath who, surprisingly, gave me conflicting 'guesses' at what was going on.
The Gyn. thought that maybe it was a pregnancy, but due to an insufficient number of chromosomes I would miscarry, though he also said that may not be the case, that it could also be just my period. He recommended that I not take my next round of Clomid until I had a 'definitive' period.
The Naturalpath thought it was more than likely my cycle and that the increased amount of progesterone was making it behave oddly. He suggested I continue with the Clomid.
We decided to follow the Gyn's advice, since he was the one who prescribed the drug.
Part of the Clomid procedure was going in for a 'day 21' blood test, which I did. It wasn't until later that my Gyn. made a change since I have a 26 day cycle (not the usual 28) and told me to get my blood taken on day 19.
The blood test measures progesterone levels to see if you ovulated. The results came back a week later showing levels of 30. Drs. are happy to see anything over 10. (or was it 20?)
January 3rd (19 days later) my period arrived, again.
Three days later, I began my secound round of Clomid.
Leading up to my second round my breasts took on a whole new feeling. They constantly felt bruised, which ended when I got my period. Still not sure what that was about.
This round I also started taking 1500mg of Evening Primrose a day. It's a natural suppliment that you can buy at the drugstore. I got it to help increase my cervical mucus output... I found out later that it also helps with breast pain. The catch with Evening Primrose is that you can't take it after ovulation since it can cause contractions, so the best method is to take the EP from day one of your period until the day of ovulation and switch to ground up flax seeds until you start your period again.
This round I had some moring nausea, stabbing pains in my pelvic area and breasts, I was bloated, but my cervical mucus was improving. On day 26 my period arrived, again.
We found out after my period arrived that my blood test showed progesterone levels of 127, a huge increase over the last time, for some this means they're pregnant, for me, it just meant I ovulated really well.
Three days later we began our final round.
Symptoms much the same, but this time the morning nausea left me feeling like I might actually get sick and most mornings was afraid to get out of bed lest I disturb my insides. My nipples where once again sensitive and were changing colour (which they'd done off and on in the past.) And I had indigestion (from increased levels of progesterone.) On day 27 my period arrived.
This last blood test showed levels of 109, again a great ovulation, but no pregnancy.
The day before my period arrived we had a phone consult with a fertility specialist we saw while on vacation. She actually had an explanation for our infertility, which was such a relief and so sad at the same time.
She told us that I was borderline too old to have babies. That at the tender age of 36 my Ovarian Reserve was showing signs of age, she was also concerned about the shape of my husband's sperm and gave us a 1-2% chance of conceiving without medical assistance.
In a few days time we'll have a consult with a Canadian specialist (via conference call) to explore the miraculous world of IVF.
The positives of this outcome? Our likelihood of conceiving increases, greatly and we'll get a vacation from work in the big city with Indian restaurants and shopping malls! Woo hoo!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
The Next Step Branch
While we were on vacation in January, my husband took the initiative and booked an appointment with a specialist. (something we don't have here at home.) A month later we had a follow up appointment (via conference call.).... according to this Dr. both my husband and I are dealing with issues that will require us to seek medical assistance in order to conceive. We were given a 1-2% chance of conceiving naturally, with an IUI 7% and with IVF 38%.
Given that our best chance will run about $20,000 (Yup, 20k), we're fishing out a second opinion. The first Dr. was in the states, so now we're looking at an opinion from someone a bit more local.
We'll chat with this Canadian Dr. on March 22nd. The only way I can explain my feelings on this, it feels like I'm a six year old counting down to Christmas. I'm very excited and confident about this. I feel like this is what we've been heading towards right from the start. This is where we're going to find our dreams.
The part that makes it even more exciting. I'll get an extended break from our small town to stay in a big city for a few weeks minimum..... but it could, if the Canadian Dr's work the same way as the American Dr's, be up to six weeks. It turns the whole thing into an extended vacation, or an adventure in a city I've never been.
In the meantime I'm creating positive energy through retail therapy. I've started shopping for our wee ones. Mostly clothes. Mostly on sale. I've cleaned out all the 'things' we were storing in the babies room and have moved in the new items I've purchased. It's no longer a room that will 'one day' house our children. It's a room that 's ready for them.
Only 17 more days.
Given that our best chance will run about $20,000 (Yup, 20k), we're fishing out a second opinion. The first Dr. was in the states, so now we're looking at an opinion from someone a bit more local.
We'll chat with this Canadian Dr. on March 22nd. The only way I can explain my feelings on this, it feels like I'm a six year old counting down to Christmas. I'm very excited and confident about this. I feel like this is what we've been heading towards right from the start. This is where we're going to find our dreams.
The part that makes it even more exciting. I'll get an extended break from our small town to stay in a big city for a few weeks minimum..... but it could, if the Canadian Dr's work the same way as the American Dr's, be up to six weeks. It turns the whole thing into an extended vacation, or an adventure in a city I've never been.
In the meantime I'm creating positive energy through retail therapy. I've started shopping for our wee ones. Mostly clothes. Mostly on sale. I've cleaned out all the 'things' we were storing in the babies room and have moved in the new items I've purchased. It's no longer a room that will 'one day' house our children. It's a room that 's ready for them.
Only 17 more days.
Friday, February 11, 2011
The Visualization Branch
It works for Olympians:
I am pregnant. The stick says I am and I'm crying the first tears of joy that I have cried in a long time. I hug my husband and we dance a silly touchdown type dance while we laugh. I stay at home to relish this happy news in the peace of the home we will soon share with our babies.
Soon we discover that we're pregnant with healthy tiwns. I am not shocked. I know this is coming.
My pregnancy is a healthy one. I am free of discomfort or symptoms.
I work until I'm 8 months along and give up the office life to start my life as a Mom.
I am giving birth by c-section. It is a Friday.
With babies swaddled in hospital blankets I hold my twins and smile. It's a big smile. The kind that hurts. The kind that stays for a long time. My husband is near and I see his pearly whites, just as big as mine. He has a tear in his eye and I feel his happiness.
My heart is full of joy. I feel complete. I know that the wait was worth the end result. I am grateful that the universe provided me with two beautiful, healthy babies.
I am grateful that I have this chance to feel my babies kick, swim and play in my womb.
I am grateful that I have a wonderful partner at my side to see me through all of life's adventures.
I am grateful that I am able to stay home with my babies and watch them grow up.
I am grateful that I get the opportunity to share the joy they bring to me, with them!
I am grateful that the universe listened and I am grateful I opened myself up to receive these precious gifts!
I am pregnant. The stick says I am and I'm crying the first tears of joy that I have cried in a long time. I hug my husband and we dance a silly touchdown type dance while we laugh. I stay at home to relish this happy news in the peace of the home we will soon share with our babies.
Soon we discover that we're pregnant with healthy tiwns. I am not shocked. I know this is coming.
My pregnancy is a healthy one. I am free of discomfort or symptoms.
I work until I'm 8 months along and give up the office life to start my life as a Mom.
I am giving birth by c-section. It is a Friday.
With babies swaddled in hospital blankets I hold my twins and smile. It's a big smile. The kind that hurts. The kind that stays for a long time. My husband is near and I see his pearly whites, just as big as mine. He has a tear in his eye and I feel his happiness.
My heart is full of joy. I feel complete. I know that the wait was worth the end result. I am grateful that the universe provided me with two beautiful, healthy babies.
I am grateful that I have this chance to feel my babies kick, swim and play in my womb.
I am grateful that I have a wonderful partner at my side to see me through all of life's adventures.
I am grateful that I am able to stay home with my babies and watch them grow up.
I am grateful that I get the opportunity to share the joy they bring to me, with them!
I am grateful that the universe listened and I am grateful I opened myself up to receive these precious gifts!
Shock Branch
I think I was in shock when I left her office.
It didn't hit me until I was alone, just how bruised I was feeling. Since this whole ordeal started people had kept telling me I was being too hard on myself and now, someone who was supposed to be helping me, mirrored every negative thought I've had and threw it at me as the truth.
I was spinning.
Not only was I having infertility issues, but it was confirmed that I was a horrible person who was a making life unpleasant for a number of people. If the pressure wasn't already on, it sure was now.
As a result another day that ends with me crying at my desk, walking home through the snow thankful that all my winter layers will hide the fact that I'm crying and into a hot bath where I try to calm myself down.
"I'm not a bad person and I'm not ruining everything." I'm only able to convince myself of this for about two minutes and the book I'm reading doesn't hold my attention, so more tears arrive and I give in.
The sobs are heavy and deep and they come in floods and heaps. I have felt bruised for the last few months, today I feel broken.
I finally call my husband and ask him when he'll be home. Initially, I believe, I was looking for a reason to get mad at him, but that idea melts when he hears my voice and says he's coming home right away.
Thankfully he was at the psychologist with me and I tell him how I'm feeling. I honestly don't remember what he said, just that he smiled the whole time, held me and found a way to make me laugh. Before I knew it, the tears were gone.
I'm still fighting the negative self talk and look forward to explaining to my psychologist just how she made me feel. I know she told me not to take it personally, but really, how can you not?
She did wake me up though. Startled me into a position where a felt the 'do or die' mentality kick in. Either I find happiness in my life in the moment or I dwell on the unknown. And personally, in my more positive moments, I'd rather have the life I have today, then to loose it all and be alone.
It didn't hit me until I was alone, just how bruised I was feeling. Since this whole ordeal started people had kept telling me I was being too hard on myself and now, someone who was supposed to be helping me, mirrored every negative thought I've had and threw it at me as the truth.
I was spinning.
Not only was I having infertility issues, but it was confirmed that I was a horrible person who was a making life unpleasant for a number of people. If the pressure wasn't already on, it sure was now.
As a result another day that ends with me crying at my desk, walking home through the snow thankful that all my winter layers will hide the fact that I'm crying and into a hot bath where I try to calm myself down.
"I'm not a bad person and I'm not ruining everything." I'm only able to convince myself of this for about two minutes and the book I'm reading doesn't hold my attention, so more tears arrive and I give in.
The sobs are heavy and deep and they come in floods and heaps. I have felt bruised for the last few months, today I feel broken.
I finally call my husband and ask him when he'll be home. Initially, I believe, I was looking for a reason to get mad at him, but that idea melts when he hears my voice and says he's coming home right away.
Thankfully he was at the psychologist with me and I tell him how I'm feeling. I honestly don't remember what he said, just that he smiled the whole time, held me and found a way to make me laugh. Before I knew it, the tears were gone.
I'm still fighting the negative self talk and look forward to explaining to my psychologist just how she made me feel. I know she told me not to take it personally, but really, how can you not?
She did wake me up though. Startled me into a position where a felt the 'do or die' mentality kick in. Either I find happiness in my life in the moment or I dwell on the unknown. And personally, in my more positive moments, I'd rather have the life I have today, then to loose it all and be alone.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Forgiveness Branch
Dear Universe,
I forgive you for making decisions about my life, without asking me first.
I forgive you for delaying the one thing I've wanted more than anything since I was 13.
I forgive you for bringing perfection into my life and allowing me to glimps the beauty of my future, without ever letting me touch it.
I forgive you for not telling me what you need from me and for making me fight, step by step, to figure it out.
I forgive you for bribing my body into playing your games.
But mostly, I forgive you for loving me in ways I have yet to understand.
Today I also forgive myself for blaming everyone else before I realized that this choice, this path is not human design. My not having a baby today has nothing to do with anyone in my life, including myself, it just is. I forgive myself for not realizing this sooner.
I make no promises that I will feel this way tomorrow, but will do my best, daily, to remind myself that even though I have no choice in when I will be able to hold the future in my arms, I do have a choice if I smile along the way.
Today, I choose to smile.
I forgive you for making decisions about my life, without asking me first.
I forgive you for delaying the one thing I've wanted more than anything since I was 13.
I forgive you for bringing perfection into my life and allowing me to glimps the beauty of my future, without ever letting me touch it.
I forgive you for not telling me what you need from me and for making me fight, step by step, to figure it out.
I forgive you for bribing my body into playing your games.
But mostly, I forgive you for loving me in ways I have yet to understand.
Today I also forgive myself for blaming everyone else before I realized that this choice, this path is not human design. My not having a baby today has nothing to do with anyone in my life, including myself, it just is. I forgive myself for not realizing this sooner.
I make no promises that I will feel this way tomorrow, but will do my best, daily, to remind myself that even though I have no choice in when I will be able to hold the future in my arms, I do have a choice if I smile along the way.
Today, I choose to smile.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
The Medical Branch
For the longest time I didn't know how to express what was going through my head. The only thing I could compare my feelings to was the cliched onion. The more I peeled the damn layers away, the more layers I'd find. It was like I was searching for reasons to make myself sad.
My Husband, friends, family, kept trying to tell me, "You're putting too much pressure on yourself." or "It's just stress." But that got me nowhere and doubled the pressure and stress that I was feeling.
It hit me one day that I had climbed a tree, a very tall tree and got stuck. While I was shouting to everyone below for help, all they could offer was the obvious "You're stuck in a tree."
This was the feeling of helplessness fertility issues had caused myself and everyone around me.
Life began revolving around blood tests, HSGs, pelvic exams, Doctors, Naturalpaths and Psychologists. My days were evaluated as good or bad based on if I cried, how much and why? A good day had laughter, friends, the usual life type stuff and the bad days had me at my desk, at work, sobbing, because a pregnant woman had asked if I had clothes that would fit over her growing body.
It felt, to me, like I was walking a very fragile line, waiting for the moment when my strength would be tested and I would need to pretend that everything was okay, smile and hope no one noticed the tears I was blinking back.
This journey started as soon as we started trying. I was 35 and knew my age could cause some problems, so I went for a check up, asked the Dr. some questions and got myself a book about making babies.
The Dr. told me to be patient; she said that it could take up to a year, thanks to birth control. The book told me about charting to pin point your ovulation day and I learned contrary to popular belief, pregnancy doesn't happen just because you have sex, you have to time it just right.
Six months later and nothing. Not a thing. Though I had learned a whole lot more. I knew about cervical mucus, early pregnancy signs and sperm friendly lubricants.
So I went to my Dr.'s office to talk to a nurse. She knew nothing about sperm friendly lubricants, didn't seem concerned about my lack of cervical mucus, took my height, weight and blood pressure and told me to be patient.
Another six months passed and my optimism was declining rapidly. People were getting pregnant and giving birth in all corners of my life. I gave up Facebook and grew hesitant when checking emails.
I'm was afraid to talk to my Mom who was very keen for her first grand child to be born. Who, even though I'd asked her to stop putting pressure on me and that I wasn't interested in talking about babies or receiving gifts related to babies had found her way around the boundaries I'd drawn and talked about other people's babies.
After one year of trying my Dr. finally consented to an investigation to find out why I wasn't getting pregnant. She ordered a blood test and a sperm analysis. One for me, one for him.
He came back normal. Me? Well I'd made a wish that mine wouldn't come back normal. I wanted a problem to deal with rather than unexplained infertility. I immediately regretted that wish.
My blood test showed a raised level of prolactin. Prolactin is the hormone that allows a woman to breastfeed and tells her body she's unable to get pregnant while breastfeeding. This could have been what was causing us not to get pregnant and this could have also been a symptom of a brain tumour. I was floored.
In this moment I realized that I had no control over my life. And to prove it, the universe cut the power on our freezer, our food thawed and even though all I wanted to do was cry, I put on a brave face as we invited people over to help us eat our meat.
It took a month and half for us to get the MRI and only a week for it to come back negative for brain tumours. After the initial shock we were sure that this was the way the test would go. Afterall, I didn't feel sick! What added stress to my plate during that wait was my hormone levels and why no one was doing anything to lower them. Why wasn't anyone trying to help me out of the tree?
The Naturalpath gave me tea to drink daily and some Chaste Tree pills to take three times a day. The tea was to help my girl parts to do what they were supposed to do, the pills to increase the progesterone in my body to help conceive.
I had also adopted a Psycologist who began to help put past events behind me and tried to help me understand the present. It felt like forever before we began to make some breakthroughs.
With the MRI behind us, we were able to see a Gynaecologist. At first this was a happy time, but instead it took me to place I'd never expected to be. One minute I was hopeful and the next minute I was in a deep dark hole. We did another blood test and an internal and external ultra-sound before I even see the Gynaecologist. I'm told that I have a beautiful uterus and lovely ovaries. I took the compliment.
The Gynaecologist and his student both have a feel around inside. There's a lump, but nothing to worry about since my ultra-sound was clean, it was probably a post ovulatory cyst.
I'm scheduled for an HSG. This is where they insert x-ray dye into your cervix to see if your fallopian tubes are open. I'm told to expect period like cramps during this process, but what I get is pain. I recover on the table afterwards waiting for my legs to stop shaking before I can make my way to the Gyn's office for another pelvic exam.
This time there is no cyst, but I learn two pieces of interesting information.
1. My prolactin levels were normal. The test that had sent me for an MRI was so little above the comfort zone that it was likely that something as simple as stress or sex the night before the test had raised it a bit. I had already questioned my family Dr's sanity when I was originally informed about a possible tumour.... why was there no follow up or questions about symptoms, etc but this caused even more bewilderment.
2. The pain I had experienced during my HSG could have been a sign that my tubes were blocked, but the dye had pushed past and opened up the passage. Or, as the Gyn. put it, cleared out all the cobwebs. After doing some reseasrch on the internet I learned that those having trouble conceiving and experience the same things I had, during my HSG, can go on and get pregnant in the three months that follow.
I'm sent away with a prescription for Clomid and with the freedom to, finally, make a choice for myself.
Our options were:
1. Take Clomid. The success rate was low for us, because I didn't appear to have difficulty with ovulation.
2. IUI or artificial imsemination. This procedure has the sperm washed and inserted directly into the uterus. It cuts back the journey for the little swimmers and points them in the right direction. This could be the best option given my lack of cervical mucus.
3. IVF or In-vitro
We chose Clomid, for three months. This was less invasive and less costly. We live in an isolated area of Canada, and the closest fertility clinic, that would provide IUI or IVF was an hour and a half away by plane. The cost of the procedure, plus travel and the additional time off work was something we would do only if we had to.
My first round of Clomid comes with bitter tears. I read up on the side effects and learn that I should be prepared for nausea, headaches, etc. I take the pills at night so I could sleep off the worst of these.
It's at this stage, when the body that's already betraying me, takes it one step further.
Through most of this process I'd been feeling all kinds of flutterings and pressures in my pelvic area and my breasts were constantly aching. The Drs. don't seem concerned about all of this, so I try not to be either. Once I started taking the Clomid it felt like my breasts were growing, slightly, my nipples become darker and more sensitive and the pain more intense.
My period was due to begin on my birthday, so when it didn't, you can imagine where my head went. The pills were working! Only, I'm greeted at 4am on the morning after with very painful cramps. I spend that morning crying. Hope shattered is one thing, but to have cramps that bad felt like someone was getting pleasure out of my suffering.
I fumble my way through the work day bewildered. Despite the cramps, my period didn't show, there was brown spotting and all kids of other gross stuff, but no red blood. This continued for days. Precariously perched on a ledge between hope and more darkness I call both Drs.
The Gyn. asks if I'd taken a pregnancy test. I had taken two at this stage and both were negative. He asked other questions and I can feel his hesitation in answering. He doesn't want to give me false hope, but he needs to cover his butt as well, just in case I decide to go on a drinking binge.
He suggested it could be a pregnancy, but it could be one that will miscarry. He says something about not enough chromosomes, etc. But he does say not to take my second round of Clomid until I have a definitive period.
The Naturalpath suggests that it was my period and I should continue as normal.
Not wanting to take the risk we follow the Gyn's suggestions.
Eventually the spotting stops and twelve days later a 'definitive' period shows up, three days into 2011.
Surprisingly, despite how bruised 2010 left me, I still manage to feel hope.
My Husband, friends, family, kept trying to tell me, "You're putting too much pressure on yourself." or "It's just stress." But that got me nowhere and doubled the pressure and stress that I was feeling.
It hit me one day that I had climbed a tree, a very tall tree and got stuck. While I was shouting to everyone below for help, all they could offer was the obvious "You're stuck in a tree."
This was the feeling of helplessness fertility issues had caused myself and everyone around me.
Life began revolving around blood tests, HSGs, pelvic exams, Doctors, Naturalpaths and Psychologists. My days were evaluated as good or bad based on if I cried, how much and why? A good day had laughter, friends, the usual life type stuff and the bad days had me at my desk, at work, sobbing, because a pregnant woman had asked if I had clothes that would fit over her growing body.
It felt, to me, like I was walking a very fragile line, waiting for the moment when my strength would be tested and I would need to pretend that everything was okay, smile and hope no one noticed the tears I was blinking back.
This journey started as soon as we started trying. I was 35 and knew my age could cause some problems, so I went for a check up, asked the Dr. some questions and got myself a book about making babies.
The Dr. told me to be patient; she said that it could take up to a year, thanks to birth control. The book told me about charting to pin point your ovulation day and I learned contrary to popular belief, pregnancy doesn't happen just because you have sex, you have to time it just right.
Six months later and nothing. Not a thing. Though I had learned a whole lot more. I knew about cervical mucus, early pregnancy signs and sperm friendly lubricants.
So I went to my Dr.'s office to talk to a nurse. She knew nothing about sperm friendly lubricants, didn't seem concerned about my lack of cervical mucus, took my height, weight and blood pressure and told me to be patient.
Another six months passed and my optimism was declining rapidly. People were getting pregnant and giving birth in all corners of my life. I gave up Facebook and grew hesitant when checking emails.
I'm was afraid to talk to my Mom who was very keen for her first grand child to be born. Who, even though I'd asked her to stop putting pressure on me and that I wasn't interested in talking about babies or receiving gifts related to babies had found her way around the boundaries I'd drawn and talked about other people's babies.
After one year of trying my Dr. finally consented to an investigation to find out why I wasn't getting pregnant. She ordered a blood test and a sperm analysis. One for me, one for him.
He came back normal. Me? Well I'd made a wish that mine wouldn't come back normal. I wanted a problem to deal with rather than unexplained infertility. I immediately regretted that wish.
My blood test showed a raised level of prolactin. Prolactin is the hormone that allows a woman to breastfeed and tells her body she's unable to get pregnant while breastfeeding. This could have been what was causing us not to get pregnant and this could have also been a symptom of a brain tumour. I was floored.
In this moment I realized that I had no control over my life. And to prove it, the universe cut the power on our freezer, our food thawed and even though all I wanted to do was cry, I put on a brave face as we invited people over to help us eat our meat.
It took a month and half for us to get the MRI and only a week for it to come back negative for brain tumours. After the initial shock we were sure that this was the way the test would go. Afterall, I didn't feel sick! What added stress to my plate during that wait was my hormone levels and why no one was doing anything to lower them. Why wasn't anyone trying to help me out of the tree?
The Naturalpath gave me tea to drink daily and some Chaste Tree pills to take three times a day. The tea was to help my girl parts to do what they were supposed to do, the pills to increase the progesterone in my body to help conceive.
I had also adopted a Psycologist who began to help put past events behind me and tried to help me understand the present. It felt like forever before we began to make some breakthroughs.
With the MRI behind us, we were able to see a Gynaecologist. At first this was a happy time, but instead it took me to place I'd never expected to be. One minute I was hopeful and the next minute I was in a deep dark hole. We did another blood test and an internal and external ultra-sound before I even see the Gynaecologist. I'm told that I have a beautiful uterus and lovely ovaries. I took the compliment.
The Gynaecologist and his student both have a feel around inside. There's a lump, but nothing to worry about since my ultra-sound was clean, it was probably a post ovulatory cyst.
I'm scheduled for an HSG. This is where they insert x-ray dye into your cervix to see if your fallopian tubes are open. I'm told to expect period like cramps during this process, but what I get is pain. I recover on the table afterwards waiting for my legs to stop shaking before I can make my way to the Gyn's office for another pelvic exam.
This time there is no cyst, but I learn two pieces of interesting information.
1. My prolactin levels were normal. The test that had sent me for an MRI was so little above the comfort zone that it was likely that something as simple as stress or sex the night before the test had raised it a bit. I had already questioned my family Dr's sanity when I was originally informed about a possible tumour.... why was there no follow up or questions about symptoms, etc but this caused even more bewilderment.
2. The pain I had experienced during my HSG could have been a sign that my tubes were blocked, but the dye had pushed past and opened up the passage. Or, as the Gyn. put it, cleared out all the cobwebs. After doing some reseasrch on the internet I learned that those having trouble conceiving and experience the same things I had, during my HSG, can go on and get pregnant in the three months that follow.
I'm sent away with a prescription for Clomid and with the freedom to, finally, make a choice for myself.
Our options were:
1. Take Clomid. The success rate was low for us, because I didn't appear to have difficulty with ovulation.
2. IUI or artificial imsemination. This procedure has the sperm washed and inserted directly into the uterus. It cuts back the journey for the little swimmers and points them in the right direction. This could be the best option given my lack of cervical mucus.
3. IVF or In-vitro
We chose Clomid, for three months. This was less invasive and less costly. We live in an isolated area of Canada, and the closest fertility clinic, that would provide IUI or IVF was an hour and a half away by plane. The cost of the procedure, plus travel and the additional time off work was something we would do only if we had to.
My first round of Clomid comes with bitter tears. I read up on the side effects and learn that I should be prepared for nausea, headaches, etc. I take the pills at night so I could sleep off the worst of these.
It's at this stage, when the body that's already betraying me, takes it one step further.
Through most of this process I'd been feeling all kinds of flutterings and pressures in my pelvic area and my breasts were constantly aching. The Drs. don't seem concerned about all of this, so I try not to be either. Once I started taking the Clomid it felt like my breasts were growing, slightly, my nipples become darker and more sensitive and the pain more intense.
My period was due to begin on my birthday, so when it didn't, you can imagine where my head went. The pills were working! Only, I'm greeted at 4am on the morning after with very painful cramps. I spend that morning crying. Hope shattered is one thing, but to have cramps that bad felt like someone was getting pleasure out of my suffering.
I fumble my way through the work day bewildered. Despite the cramps, my period didn't show, there was brown spotting and all kids of other gross stuff, but no red blood. This continued for days. Precariously perched on a ledge between hope and more darkness I call both Drs.
The Gyn. asks if I'd taken a pregnancy test. I had taken two at this stage and both were negative. He asked other questions and I can feel his hesitation in answering. He doesn't want to give me false hope, but he needs to cover his butt as well, just in case I decide to go on a drinking binge.
He suggested it could be a pregnancy, but it could be one that will miscarry. He says something about not enough chromosomes, etc. But he does say not to take my second round of Clomid until I have a definitive period.
The Naturalpath suggests that it was my period and I should continue as normal.
Not wanting to take the risk we follow the Gyn's suggestions.
Eventually the spotting stops and twelve days later a 'definitive' period shows up, three days into 2011.
Surprisingly, despite how bruised 2010 left me, I still manage to feel hope.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)