It works for Olympians:
I am pregnant. The stick says I am and I'm crying the first tears of joy that I have cried in a long time. I hug my husband and we dance a silly touchdown type dance while we laugh. I stay at home to relish this happy news in the peace of the home we will soon share with our babies.
Soon we discover that we're pregnant with healthy tiwns. I am not shocked. I know this is coming.
My pregnancy is a healthy one. I am free of discomfort or symptoms.
I work until I'm 8 months along and give up the office life to start my life as a Mom.
I am giving birth by c-section. It is a Friday.
With babies swaddled in hospital blankets I hold my twins and smile. It's a big smile. The kind that hurts. The kind that stays for a long time. My husband is near and I see his pearly whites, just as big as mine. He has a tear in his eye and I feel his happiness.
My heart is full of joy. I feel complete. I know that the wait was worth the end result. I am grateful that the universe provided me with two beautiful, healthy babies.
I am grateful that I have this chance to feel my babies kick, swim and play in my womb.
I am grateful that I have a wonderful partner at my side to see me through all of life's adventures.
I am grateful that I am able to stay home with my babies and watch them grow up.
I am grateful that I get the opportunity to share the joy they bring to me, with them!
I am grateful that the universe listened and I am grateful I opened myself up to receive these precious gifts!
Friday, February 11, 2011
Shock Branch
I think I was in shock when I left her office.
It didn't hit me until I was alone, just how bruised I was feeling. Since this whole ordeal started people had kept telling me I was being too hard on myself and now, someone who was supposed to be helping me, mirrored every negative thought I've had and threw it at me as the truth.
I was spinning.
Not only was I having infertility issues, but it was confirmed that I was a horrible person who was a making life unpleasant for a number of people. If the pressure wasn't already on, it sure was now.
As a result another day that ends with me crying at my desk, walking home through the snow thankful that all my winter layers will hide the fact that I'm crying and into a hot bath where I try to calm myself down.
"I'm not a bad person and I'm not ruining everything." I'm only able to convince myself of this for about two minutes and the book I'm reading doesn't hold my attention, so more tears arrive and I give in.
The sobs are heavy and deep and they come in floods and heaps. I have felt bruised for the last few months, today I feel broken.
I finally call my husband and ask him when he'll be home. Initially, I believe, I was looking for a reason to get mad at him, but that idea melts when he hears my voice and says he's coming home right away.
Thankfully he was at the psychologist with me and I tell him how I'm feeling. I honestly don't remember what he said, just that he smiled the whole time, held me and found a way to make me laugh. Before I knew it, the tears were gone.
I'm still fighting the negative self talk and look forward to explaining to my psychologist just how she made me feel. I know she told me not to take it personally, but really, how can you not?
She did wake me up though. Startled me into a position where a felt the 'do or die' mentality kick in. Either I find happiness in my life in the moment or I dwell on the unknown. And personally, in my more positive moments, I'd rather have the life I have today, then to loose it all and be alone.
It didn't hit me until I was alone, just how bruised I was feeling. Since this whole ordeal started people had kept telling me I was being too hard on myself and now, someone who was supposed to be helping me, mirrored every negative thought I've had and threw it at me as the truth.
I was spinning.
Not only was I having infertility issues, but it was confirmed that I was a horrible person who was a making life unpleasant for a number of people. If the pressure wasn't already on, it sure was now.
As a result another day that ends with me crying at my desk, walking home through the snow thankful that all my winter layers will hide the fact that I'm crying and into a hot bath where I try to calm myself down.
"I'm not a bad person and I'm not ruining everything." I'm only able to convince myself of this for about two minutes and the book I'm reading doesn't hold my attention, so more tears arrive and I give in.
The sobs are heavy and deep and they come in floods and heaps. I have felt bruised for the last few months, today I feel broken.
I finally call my husband and ask him when he'll be home. Initially, I believe, I was looking for a reason to get mad at him, but that idea melts when he hears my voice and says he's coming home right away.
Thankfully he was at the psychologist with me and I tell him how I'm feeling. I honestly don't remember what he said, just that he smiled the whole time, held me and found a way to make me laugh. Before I knew it, the tears were gone.
I'm still fighting the negative self talk and look forward to explaining to my psychologist just how she made me feel. I know she told me not to take it personally, but really, how can you not?
She did wake me up though. Startled me into a position where a felt the 'do or die' mentality kick in. Either I find happiness in my life in the moment or I dwell on the unknown. And personally, in my more positive moments, I'd rather have the life I have today, then to loose it all and be alone.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
The Forgiveness Branch
Dear Universe,
I forgive you for making decisions about my life, without asking me first.
I forgive you for delaying the one thing I've wanted more than anything since I was 13.
I forgive you for bringing perfection into my life and allowing me to glimps the beauty of my future, without ever letting me touch it.
I forgive you for not telling me what you need from me and for making me fight, step by step, to figure it out.
I forgive you for bribing my body into playing your games.
But mostly, I forgive you for loving me in ways I have yet to understand.
Today I also forgive myself for blaming everyone else before I realized that this choice, this path is not human design. My not having a baby today has nothing to do with anyone in my life, including myself, it just is. I forgive myself for not realizing this sooner.
I make no promises that I will feel this way tomorrow, but will do my best, daily, to remind myself that even though I have no choice in when I will be able to hold the future in my arms, I do have a choice if I smile along the way.
Today, I choose to smile.
I forgive you for making decisions about my life, without asking me first.
I forgive you for delaying the one thing I've wanted more than anything since I was 13.
I forgive you for bringing perfection into my life and allowing me to glimps the beauty of my future, without ever letting me touch it.
I forgive you for not telling me what you need from me and for making me fight, step by step, to figure it out.
I forgive you for bribing my body into playing your games.
But mostly, I forgive you for loving me in ways I have yet to understand.
Today I also forgive myself for blaming everyone else before I realized that this choice, this path is not human design. My not having a baby today has nothing to do with anyone in my life, including myself, it just is. I forgive myself for not realizing this sooner.
I make no promises that I will feel this way tomorrow, but will do my best, daily, to remind myself that even though I have no choice in when I will be able to hold the future in my arms, I do have a choice if I smile along the way.
Today, I choose to smile.
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