Shock Branch

I think I was in shock when I left her office.

It didn't hit me until I was alone, just how bruised I was feeling. Since this whole ordeal started people had kept telling me I was being too hard on myself and now, someone who was supposed to be helping me, mirrored every negative thought I've had and threw it at me as the truth.

I was spinning.

Not only was I having infertility issues, but it was confirmed that I was a horrible person who was a making life unpleasant for a number of people. If the pressure wasn't already on, it sure was now.

As a result another day that ends with me crying at my desk, walking home through the snow thankful that all my winter layers will hide the fact that I'm crying and into a hot bath where I try to calm myself down.

"I'm not a bad person and I'm not ruining everything." I'm only able to convince myself of this for about two minutes and the book I'm reading doesn't hold my attention, so more tears arrive and I give in.

The sobs are heavy and deep and they come in floods and heaps. I have felt bruised for the last few months, today I feel broken.

I finally call my husband and ask him when he'll be home. Initially, I believe, I was looking for a reason to get mad at him, but that idea melts when he hears my voice and says he's coming home right away.

Thankfully he was at the psychologist with me and I tell him how I'm feeling. I honestly don't remember what he said, just that he smiled the whole time, held me and found a way to make me laugh. Before I knew it, the tears were gone.

I'm still fighting the negative self talk and look forward to explaining to my psychologist just how she made me feel. I know she told me not to take it personally, but really, how can you not?

She did wake me up though. Startled me into a position where a felt the 'do or die' mentality kick in. Either I find happiness in my life in the moment or I dwell on the unknown. And personally, in my more positive moments, I'd rather have the life I have today, then to loose it all and be alone.