It's hard being grateful for a life that isn't working out the way you envisioned it.
Struggling, daily, with fertility isn't just about whether or not you have a baby, it's also about who you are and how you live your life.
For me, there was never a question of whether or not I was going to be a Mother. It's what I was put on this earth to do. I'm not a career person, (it took me a long time to admit that), I am a Mom. The question was whether or not I would find a man to share these goals with me and when I finally did.... here we are, twenty months in and moving toward IVF.
The job I took to hold me over until we had kids has all kinds of great benefits, the salary being the best of it.... Sadly, I am more often than not bored and unfulfilled and that makes it so much easier for the darkness to find me. Once enveloped it's so easy to sink into the black hole and get lost to a million insecurities.
To pull myself out, I have to remember that I am not completely out of control in all corners of my life. I may not like my job, but I choose to keep it because I work with a great bunch of ladies who make me laugh, I have a boss who's understanding of all of my medical appointments and my pay cheque is paying for the future we will have. If our path leads in a suitable direction, I can quit.
In the meantime I work at bringing fulfillment into other areas of my life. This blog is one. I've taken up knitting and I'm putting a strong focus on our social life.
To remind ourselves and keep the focus on the positive my husband and I give a quick run down of things we're grateful for while we're eating our dinner. Such as; "I'm grateful the snow is melting." "I'm grateful that my friends look out for me." "I'm grateful to have made the girls at work laugh today." and to remind us of the mark we make in the world we list three positives before we go to bed most nights. "I'm happy that I took steps to mend a broken relationship." "I'm happy that I took the initiative at work to make life easier for the rest of the office" "I'm impressed that I overcame my fears and took a step forward today."
These small things help to remind us that the journey can be just as rewarding as the goal.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Friday, March 18, 2011
The Chances Branch
Things that we're doing to increase our chances of conceiving:
1. I've given up alcohol. There are studies that show it can decrease your chances of conceiving by 50% and that it also reduces your chances of success with IVF. My husband will be following suit after our next Dr.s app.
2. Evening primrose and ground up flax seed to increase my cervical mucus. There are three types of CM, all of them, but one, will help you NOT get pregnanct. The fertile type of CM has a consistency of egg whites and will be noticed around ovulation time. Though not all women will notice their CM without a little internal exploration.
3. I'm trying to cut gluten out of my diet until my most recent blood tests come back. We're trying to rule a few things out and since I already have a wheat intolerance.... recent studies show that celiac's disease is linked to fertility problems and that about 10% of unexplained infertility could be solved with a Gluten free diet.
4. Since I'm a vegetarian and iron levels can affect fertility I now drink a protein shake every morning.
5. I've gained the 5-10 pounds the Gyn. suggested.
6. I'm trying to find time in my day to exercise.
7. I do my best to meditate
8. My husband and I have started two rituals that focus on gratitude. The first is at dinner where we list at least one thing that we're thankful for and then at bedtime we list three positive things we've accomplished during the day. These exercises are meant to bring more joy into our lives.
9. Retail therapy. Instead of getting depressed because I can't buy something cute for our children, I buy it anyway.
10. I've been looking for something in my life to fulfill me, to give me satisfaction. At first I assumed this meant taking on a second job (one I liked), but now I realize it simply means activities that make me happy.... I've taken up knitting and I'm putting more focus on our social life.
11. Preseed a sperm friendly lubricant.... if you didn't know it, most lubes have sperm killers in them.
1. I've given up alcohol. There are studies that show it can decrease your chances of conceiving by 50% and that it also reduces your chances of success with IVF. My husband will be following suit after our next Dr.s app.
2. Evening primrose and ground up flax seed to increase my cervical mucus. There are three types of CM, all of them, but one, will help you NOT get pregnanct. The fertile type of CM has a consistency of egg whites and will be noticed around ovulation time. Though not all women will notice their CM without a little internal exploration.
3. I'm trying to cut gluten out of my diet until my most recent blood tests come back. We're trying to rule a few things out and since I already have a wheat intolerance.... recent studies show that celiac's disease is linked to fertility problems and that about 10% of unexplained infertility could be solved with a Gluten free diet.
4. Since I'm a vegetarian and iron levels can affect fertility I now drink a protein shake every morning.
5. I've gained the 5-10 pounds the Gyn. suggested.
6. I'm trying to find time in my day to exercise.
7. I do my best to meditate
8. My husband and I have started two rituals that focus on gratitude. The first is at dinner where we list at least one thing that we're thankful for and then at bedtime we list three positive things we've accomplished during the day. These exercises are meant to bring more joy into our lives.
9. Retail therapy. Instead of getting depressed because I can't buy something cute for our children, I buy it anyway.
10. I've been looking for something in my life to fulfill me, to give me satisfaction. At first I assumed this meant taking on a second job (one I liked), but now I realize it simply means activities that make me happy.... I've taken up knitting and I'm putting more focus on our social life.
11. Preseed a sperm friendly lubricant.... if you didn't know it, most lubes have sperm killers in them.
The Clomid Branch
I've been waiting to write about my experiences with Clomid, until the first three rounds I was prescribed, were done.
Clomid is a drug that's used to help women ovulate. If I understand correctly, it unleashes a whole lot of progesterone into your system to help with ovulation. Since I have no issue with ovulation, my success rate on the drug was minimal. We chose to take three treatments in the hope that the extra stimulation might be the wee burst of je ne c'est quoi that was needed to get us 'up the pole'.... otherwise, the next steps involved a very expensive trip south where there would be fertility treatment facilities available to us.
I was excited to take my first round. There was a sense of relief that we had finally crossed the limbo threshold and was now in the arena of moving forward. We had some control over the situation, we were making choices and we had a little hope back in our lives.
I took the first pill just before bed on the night of November 20th. Taking the pill at bedtime was a strategic manoeuvre to sleep off the worst of the side effects associated with this drug. It seemed to work. That's not to say I didn't feel anything at all. I already had regular and constant breast ache, plus what I called pelvic pressure which felt like I was ovulating 24/7. In addition I did feel some morning sickness, some dizziness, at one stage my nipples were cray sensitive, swollen and for awhile totally erect. I was already pretty emotional, so I don't know if the drugs increased the sadness I was feeling or if that was just me...
My first period on this drug was due on my birthday, so of course I prayed it wouldn't come, two fold. Period day was a sad day for me and I didn't want that to get in the way of what should have been a happy day. Someone was listening; my birthday came and went with no period. I hoped this was a good sign, despite the loss of sensitivy in my nipples and the kinda crampy feeling that was creeping up on me.
At 4am, the morning after my period was due; I woke up with major cramps. I lay in bed trying to fight off tears and pain, all the while trying to get back to sleep. Finally I got up, hoping a hot water bottle would work, when that failed I tried tea and something to eat and when that failed, I just cried. (no pain killers in the house, nothing open at 4am)
I went to work despite the exhaustion. I felt too guilty about all the time I was taking off for Dr's appointments, etc. to call in sick. Surprisingly, despite the major cramps, my period still hadn't showed up. I walked through that day teetering between hope and dismay. I killed the day on the internet trying to find out as much as I could about implantation and early pregnancy signs.
The next six days were spent expelling mucus, blood clots and a wee bit of brown blood from my body, but my period never arrived. Confused and unsure what all of this meant I took a few pregnancy tests, all of which were negative.
For my last attempt to find out what was going on with my body I went to the Pharmacist who I thought might understand the side effects of the drug, she sent me away with instructions to talk to my Dr. So I called both my Gyn. and my Naturalpath who, surprisingly, gave me conflicting 'guesses' at what was going on.
The Gyn. thought that maybe it was a pregnancy, but due to an insufficient number of chromosomes I would miscarry, though he also said that may not be the case, that it could also be just my period. He recommended that I not take my next round of Clomid until I had a 'definitive' period.
The Naturalpath thought it was more than likely my cycle and that the increased amount of progesterone was making it behave oddly. He suggested I continue with the Clomid.
We decided to follow the Gyn's advice, since he was the one who prescribed the drug.
Part of the Clomid procedure was going in for a 'day 21' blood test, which I did. It wasn't until later that my Gyn. made a change since I have a 26 day cycle (not the usual 28) and told me to get my blood taken on day 19.
The blood test measures progesterone levels to see if you ovulated. The results came back a week later showing levels of 30. Drs. are happy to see anything over 10. (or was it 20?)
January 3rd (19 days later) my period arrived, again.
Three days later, I began my secound round of Clomid.
Leading up to my second round my breasts took on a whole new feeling. They constantly felt bruised, which ended when I got my period. Still not sure what that was about.
This round I also started taking 1500mg of Evening Primrose a day. It's a natural suppliment that you can buy at the drugstore. I got it to help increase my cervical mucus output... I found out later that it also helps with breast pain. The catch with Evening Primrose is that you can't take it after ovulation since it can cause contractions, so the best method is to take the EP from day one of your period until the day of ovulation and switch to ground up flax seeds until you start your period again.
This round I had some moring nausea, stabbing pains in my pelvic area and breasts, I was bloated, but my cervical mucus was improving. On day 26 my period arrived, again.
We found out after my period arrived that my blood test showed progesterone levels of 127, a huge increase over the last time, for some this means they're pregnant, for me, it just meant I ovulated really well.
Three days later we began our final round.
Symptoms much the same, but this time the morning nausea left me feeling like I might actually get sick and most mornings was afraid to get out of bed lest I disturb my insides. My nipples where once again sensitive and were changing colour (which they'd done off and on in the past.) And I had indigestion (from increased levels of progesterone.) On day 27 my period arrived.
This last blood test showed levels of 109, again a great ovulation, but no pregnancy.
The day before my period arrived we had a phone consult with a fertility specialist we saw while on vacation. She actually had an explanation for our infertility, which was such a relief and so sad at the same time.
She told us that I was borderline too old to have babies. That at the tender age of 36 my Ovarian Reserve was showing signs of age, she was also concerned about the shape of my husband's sperm and gave us a 1-2% chance of conceiving without medical assistance.
In a few days time we'll have a consult with a Canadian specialist (via conference call) to explore the miraculous world of IVF.
The positives of this outcome? Our likelihood of conceiving increases, greatly and we'll get a vacation from work in the big city with Indian restaurants and shopping malls! Woo hoo!
Clomid is a drug that's used to help women ovulate. If I understand correctly, it unleashes a whole lot of progesterone into your system to help with ovulation. Since I have no issue with ovulation, my success rate on the drug was minimal. We chose to take three treatments in the hope that the extra stimulation might be the wee burst of je ne c'est quoi that was needed to get us 'up the pole'.... otherwise, the next steps involved a very expensive trip south where there would be fertility treatment facilities available to us.
I was excited to take my first round. There was a sense of relief that we had finally crossed the limbo threshold and was now in the arena of moving forward. We had some control over the situation, we were making choices and we had a little hope back in our lives.
I took the first pill just before bed on the night of November 20th. Taking the pill at bedtime was a strategic manoeuvre to sleep off the worst of the side effects associated with this drug. It seemed to work. That's not to say I didn't feel anything at all. I already had regular and constant breast ache, plus what I called pelvic pressure which felt like I was ovulating 24/7. In addition I did feel some morning sickness, some dizziness, at one stage my nipples were cray sensitive, swollen and for awhile totally erect. I was already pretty emotional, so I don't know if the drugs increased the sadness I was feeling or if that was just me...
My first period on this drug was due on my birthday, so of course I prayed it wouldn't come, two fold. Period day was a sad day for me and I didn't want that to get in the way of what should have been a happy day. Someone was listening; my birthday came and went with no period. I hoped this was a good sign, despite the loss of sensitivy in my nipples and the kinda crampy feeling that was creeping up on me.
At 4am, the morning after my period was due; I woke up with major cramps. I lay in bed trying to fight off tears and pain, all the while trying to get back to sleep. Finally I got up, hoping a hot water bottle would work, when that failed I tried tea and something to eat and when that failed, I just cried. (no pain killers in the house, nothing open at 4am)
I went to work despite the exhaustion. I felt too guilty about all the time I was taking off for Dr's appointments, etc. to call in sick. Surprisingly, despite the major cramps, my period still hadn't showed up. I walked through that day teetering between hope and dismay. I killed the day on the internet trying to find out as much as I could about implantation and early pregnancy signs.
The next six days were spent expelling mucus, blood clots and a wee bit of brown blood from my body, but my period never arrived. Confused and unsure what all of this meant I took a few pregnancy tests, all of which were negative.
For my last attempt to find out what was going on with my body I went to the Pharmacist who I thought might understand the side effects of the drug, she sent me away with instructions to talk to my Dr. So I called both my Gyn. and my Naturalpath who, surprisingly, gave me conflicting 'guesses' at what was going on.
The Gyn. thought that maybe it was a pregnancy, but due to an insufficient number of chromosomes I would miscarry, though he also said that may not be the case, that it could also be just my period. He recommended that I not take my next round of Clomid until I had a 'definitive' period.
The Naturalpath thought it was more than likely my cycle and that the increased amount of progesterone was making it behave oddly. He suggested I continue with the Clomid.
We decided to follow the Gyn's advice, since he was the one who prescribed the drug.
Part of the Clomid procedure was going in for a 'day 21' blood test, which I did. It wasn't until later that my Gyn. made a change since I have a 26 day cycle (not the usual 28) and told me to get my blood taken on day 19.
The blood test measures progesterone levels to see if you ovulated. The results came back a week later showing levels of 30. Drs. are happy to see anything over 10. (or was it 20?)
January 3rd (19 days later) my period arrived, again.
Three days later, I began my secound round of Clomid.
Leading up to my second round my breasts took on a whole new feeling. They constantly felt bruised, which ended when I got my period. Still not sure what that was about.
This round I also started taking 1500mg of Evening Primrose a day. It's a natural suppliment that you can buy at the drugstore. I got it to help increase my cervical mucus output... I found out later that it also helps with breast pain. The catch with Evening Primrose is that you can't take it after ovulation since it can cause contractions, so the best method is to take the EP from day one of your period until the day of ovulation and switch to ground up flax seeds until you start your period again.
This round I had some moring nausea, stabbing pains in my pelvic area and breasts, I was bloated, but my cervical mucus was improving. On day 26 my period arrived, again.
We found out after my period arrived that my blood test showed progesterone levels of 127, a huge increase over the last time, for some this means they're pregnant, for me, it just meant I ovulated really well.
Three days later we began our final round.
Symptoms much the same, but this time the morning nausea left me feeling like I might actually get sick and most mornings was afraid to get out of bed lest I disturb my insides. My nipples where once again sensitive and were changing colour (which they'd done off and on in the past.) And I had indigestion (from increased levels of progesterone.) On day 27 my period arrived.
This last blood test showed levels of 109, again a great ovulation, but no pregnancy.
The day before my period arrived we had a phone consult with a fertility specialist we saw while on vacation. She actually had an explanation for our infertility, which was such a relief and so sad at the same time.
She told us that I was borderline too old to have babies. That at the tender age of 36 my Ovarian Reserve was showing signs of age, she was also concerned about the shape of my husband's sperm and gave us a 1-2% chance of conceiving without medical assistance.
In a few days time we'll have a consult with a Canadian specialist (via conference call) to explore the miraculous world of IVF.
The positives of this outcome? Our likelihood of conceiving increases, greatly and we'll get a vacation from work in the big city with Indian restaurants and shopping malls! Woo hoo!
Saturday, March 5, 2011
The Next Step Branch
While we were on vacation in January, my husband took the initiative and booked an appointment with a specialist. (something we don't have here at home.) A month later we had a follow up appointment (via conference call.).... according to this Dr. both my husband and I are dealing with issues that will require us to seek medical assistance in order to conceive. We were given a 1-2% chance of conceiving naturally, with an IUI 7% and with IVF 38%.
Given that our best chance will run about $20,000 (Yup, 20k), we're fishing out a second opinion. The first Dr. was in the states, so now we're looking at an opinion from someone a bit more local.
We'll chat with this Canadian Dr. on March 22nd. The only way I can explain my feelings on this, it feels like I'm a six year old counting down to Christmas. I'm very excited and confident about this. I feel like this is what we've been heading towards right from the start. This is where we're going to find our dreams.
The part that makes it even more exciting. I'll get an extended break from our small town to stay in a big city for a few weeks minimum..... but it could, if the Canadian Dr's work the same way as the American Dr's, be up to six weeks. It turns the whole thing into an extended vacation, or an adventure in a city I've never been.
In the meantime I'm creating positive energy through retail therapy. I've started shopping for our wee ones. Mostly clothes. Mostly on sale. I've cleaned out all the 'things' we were storing in the babies room and have moved in the new items I've purchased. It's no longer a room that will 'one day' house our children. It's a room that 's ready for them.
Only 17 more days.
Given that our best chance will run about $20,000 (Yup, 20k), we're fishing out a second opinion. The first Dr. was in the states, so now we're looking at an opinion from someone a bit more local.
We'll chat with this Canadian Dr. on March 22nd. The only way I can explain my feelings on this, it feels like I'm a six year old counting down to Christmas. I'm very excited and confident about this. I feel like this is what we've been heading towards right from the start. This is where we're going to find our dreams.
The part that makes it even more exciting. I'll get an extended break from our small town to stay in a big city for a few weeks minimum..... but it could, if the Canadian Dr's work the same way as the American Dr's, be up to six weeks. It turns the whole thing into an extended vacation, or an adventure in a city I've never been.
In the meantime I'm creating positive energy through retail therapy. I've started shopping for our wee ones. Mostly clothes. Mostly on sale. I've cleaned out all the 'things' we were storing in the babies room and have moved in the new items I've purchased. It's no longer a room that will 'one day' house our children. It's a room that 's ready for them.
Only 17 more days.
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