It's hard being grateful for a life that isn't working out the way you envisioned it.
Struggling, daily, with fertility isn't just about whether or not you have a baby, it's also about who you are and how you live your life.
For me, there was never a question of whether or not I was going to be a Mother. It's what I was put on this earth to do. I'm not a career person, (it took me a long time to admit that), I am a Mom. The question was whether or not I would find a man to share these goals with me and when I finally did.... here we are, twenty months in and moving toward IVF.
The job I took to hold me over until we had kids has all kinds of great benefits, the salary being the best of it.... Sadly, I am more often than not bored and unfulfilled and that makes it so much easier for the darkness to find me. Once enveloped it's so easy to sink into the black hole and get lost to a million insecurities.
To pull myself out, I have to remember that I am not completely out of control in all corners of my life. I may not like my job, but I choose to keep it because I work with a great bunch of ladies who make me laugh, I have a boss who's understanding of all of my medical appointments and my pay cheque is paying for the future we will have. If our path leads in a suitable direction, I can quit.
In the meantime I work at bringing fulfillment into other areas of my life. This blog is one. I've taken up knitting and I'm putting a strong focus on our social life.
To remind ourselves and keep the focus on the positive my husband and I give a quick run down of things we're grateful for while we're eating our dinner. Such as; "I'm grateful the snow is melting." "I'm grateful that my friends look out for me." "I'm grateful to have made the girls at work laugh today." and to remind us of the mark we make in the world we list three positives before we go to bed most nights. "I'm happy that I took steps to mend a broken relationship." "I'm happy that I took the initiative at work to make life easier for the rest of the office" "I'm impressed that I overcame my fears and took a step forward today."
These small things help to remind us that the journey can be just as rewarding as the goal.
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