The Education Branch

For KB

I once read that dealing with fertility issues can cause the same amount of stress as dealing with cancer or AIDS. What I'm about to write may not feel very positive, but I'm writing it because I hope that, with some luck, this might fall across the lap of someone who can get pregnant at the drop of hat and will help them to understand what their friend or co-worker who can't, needs.

Since people these days seems to have a better understanding of cancer, I'm going to use this to highlight my thoughts.

1. Would you ask a cancer patient when they were going to get healthy? As much as we'd like to think pregnancy is in our control, it's not, those who plan their conceptions really just get lucky, the rest of us have to leave it up to Mother Nature or Science or the combination of the two. And since you really can't tell who might be having a hard time conceiving and who might just be waiting, you're better off not asking at all.

2. Would you say to a cancer patient "Why don't you get Chemo?" 'Cause we know that Chemo puts some cancers to rest, but not all and we also know that it's a really icky experience not to be taken lightly, so to tell someone who can't get pregnant on their own "Why don't you adopt?" or "Why don't you do IVF?"  Well, its a lot simpler to say than to do.

IVF is a month long process that includes self administered needles three times a day for two weeks, regular internal ultra sounds and blood tests, if your body responds well to this part of the treatment then eggs are sucked out of your body through a thin tube placed in your cervix. A lot of drugs are used to kill the pain of this experience. Depending on how many eggs your potentially bloated body mananged to produce this could take two minutes or twenty.

The embriologists let the sperm and the eggs meet in a petrie dish or the embriologist will help the sperm connect with the eggs with a needle, only a portion of the eggs will successfully fertilize, then they wait to see which ones mature. If any mature they are inserted back into the body (with a very full bladder) in much the same way as they were taken out, only less painfully and then you go home and wait.

Two weeks later more blood is drawn, if all goes well in a few days time you'll have a positive pregnancy test, at this time you'll take another blood test to confirm. There is about a 50% chance you'll get a yes, but like all other pregnancies miscarriage is higher in the first three months, so the chances of actually taking a baby home are lower. All of this fun for the low price of $15,000-$20,000, per try.

Adoption is about the same. The cost can start around $15,000 and land anywhere in the upwards area. You need to fill out paper work and you need to find three friends to vouch for you. The social worker watches your family for three months and asks all kinds of prying (but kind, I'm sure) questions. These questions can range from, "Who cooks dinner?" to "How often do you have intercourse?" You also get to choose what your preferences are. Such as: "We'd like a girl" or "We don't want a child with a disability" After you've been approved you wait.

Sometimes people are lucky enough to get a child right away (the less pickier, the quicker), others wait years or even decades. Very few will receive a newborn. Even international adoptions yield very few newborns.

For some these 'easy' solutions are just as emotional and exhausting as trying to conceive naturally.

3. Would you tell someone with Cancer if they just learned to handle their stress they could be healthy again? While stress can make you sick we also know that there are so many other factors that can cause Cancer. Fertility works the same. A common diagnosis for those experiencing trouble is unexplained infertility, because the Dr's can't figure out why this is happening. Reproduction still has many missing puzzle pieces.

4. Would you tell a cancer patient that they can have your life if they wanted? No, because you know it's not possible. Someone who can't make babies will see your light and funny offer to take your children as insulting. For starters they know you're not serious, you'd never give your children up, so you're essentially teasing them and in the same breath you're taking for granted and making light of the miracle the universe allowed you. Essentially you're showing someone who has no power over the gift of conception that you think you do. It kinda feels like you're saying "It's okay, its easy for me to make another one."


5. Would you tell a Cancer patient that _______________ will fix the problem? When I say ____________ I mean things like eating yams, or wearing boxers, or having sex under a full moon, or standing on your head afterwards? Chances are you would, because you care about the person's happiness, but I've learned  you're better off keeping those ideas to yourself. I'd lay bets that anyone going through this has already heard your idea from their Dr or has done their research on the internet. What is needed is understanding when we act out of character or disapear from family functions. What is needed is a shoulder to cry on and a freind to vent to. We need someone to listen and to tell us that we're not crazy. And in my experience, with some of the things I felt I needed to do to get through all of this, I really needed strong people in my life who would know my actions were about healing me and not hurting them.

Which brings me to:

6. Would you be upset if a dying cancer patient chose not to come to someone's 50th birthday party? If they appeared healthy, you might not understand that the person who only has a few months left to live might have a hard time celebrating a milestone they may never see. So if someone having trouble trying to conceive RSVPs no to a baby shower, or christening or doesn't come to see your child at the hospital after it's born, know that this has nothing to do with you. They're at home crying their eyes out because they feel a complex mix of emotions that include feeling sorry for themself, happy for you, jealous, frustrated, angry, etc.

It's a bit of a shot in the dark, but I know for me, I'd prefer to be invited to such an event, so at least I could show the Mother-to-be that I was happy for her by sending a gift with someone, even if I couldn't bring myself to be there pysically. Some would prefer to pretend that these things aren't happening at all. Neither is wrong.

Some things you could keep in mind to be more sensitive to any one who might be experiencing these frustrations:

I know for me, I often felt a moment of panic when I ran into a obviously pregnant woman. My stomach would drop, I'm sure my eyes bulged and my cheeks may have even flushed. Their very obvious fertility only highlighted my lack of it. I felt small in a pregnant woman's presence, insignificant and left behind. She was chosen and special, I was the kid no one wanted on their team.

It was important for me when I was around those women that life not revolve around their miracle. I could get through those moments if the belly was ignored. We could talk about the weather, what we had for lunch, who was just kicked off American Idol, but your due date, maternity clothes, names you're picking out, furniture you're ordering, how excited and blessed you are only helped to drive the point home and me crazy, often with greif. For the most part I'd have preferred to just turn around and walk the other way than take the chance that someone would understand what I needed.

Heck, I stopped logging on to facebook for awhile because I was afraid of being surprised by someone's ultra sound pic, happy announcement, or first days of life pics. There were some friends that when I saw their name in my email inbox I would hesitat in opening their message, because even though they knew what I was going through, they just didn't get it.

I'm sure a senstive person wouldn't tell their sick with cancer friend how the dr. gushed with a glowing report of  health and that the Dr. thinks you'll live to be 100. If you didn't know what kind of feelings you were drumming up for your friend with cancer, you'd at least know that those kinds of things would leave them feeling hurt.

I know it's hard to watch everything you say, but the first step is to remember that starting a family is private and personal. If someone isn't telling you, then you shouldn't be asking. After that it gets a bit more complicated, but if you do your best to let that person guide the situation and remember their decisions are about them and not about you, then things should be a little less complicated....???? Yes???