When I first researched IVF, before it was even a choice for us, I balled. The idea of injecting myself, daily, was scary. But when it became our only choice.... I don't know how to explain it, except to say that survivor mode kicked in. There were no thoughts about not being able to do it, I just plowed ahead booking flights, finding a room and gathering 'stuff' I'd need for my month away from home.
We chose our clinic for three reasons. We were comfortable with their success rates, they were privately run (not government) and it was in a city I'd like to spend a whole month of my life in.
We lucked out and found a great deal on Vacation Rentals by Owner and got a basement suite in a brand new home for $50/night.
There was no looking back, no looking around, everything moved in a forward motion.... until I got there. :)
The morning after I arrived I had my first blood/ultrasound appointment, at 7:30am. Blood seemed to go fine, but the ultrasound turned up a cyst, which meant that the birth control/supressents I'd been on might not have worked.
I was sent away to wait for my blood test results to come in.... if they were normal I got to stay and proceed, but if they showed a rise in estrogen, I'd be sent home and asked to start over.... needless to say, I had a choice to make... I felt defeat, worry, nerves creeping into the picture. I felt my brain take a break from all the planning I had been doing. There was no point in running the errands I'd planed, getting groceries, etc.... was there? It didn't take long to over ride the negativity... of course I was gonna run my errands, I was gonna get groceries... I wasn't going home. I was getting IVF and I was gettin' me a baby or two!
Back in my room, fresh from the taxi, putting away the groceries my cell phone rang and the clinic gave me the good news. I could go back in and get the drugs required for treatment, the blood test came back fine!
The first hurdle had been cleared. Next hurdle, the first needle....
Friday, August 19, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
The Decision Branch
When we were finally given the news, that we had a 1-2 % chance of conceiving on our own, we were given three choices on how to proceed.
1. IUI
2. IVF
3. Donor Eggs
Since our set back stemmed from my poor ovarian reserve (egg storage) and my husband's unpredictable sperm, We ruled out IUI. This had been our fall back while we were in the 'unexplained infertility' category. We didn't want to pull out the big guns, when a little one would do.... but, once the issue had been identified we quickly saw the cons in the IUI choice.
IUI is a bit of a short cut in a way. Ovulation is monitored and once 'it's time' then off to the clinic you go and sperm is injected into the body much closer to the eggs. This means less swimming and searching for the little guys, which hopefully means a better chance of conception. For us, our chances only increased to 7% if we decided to use this option. Though it was significantly less expensive than the other two options, it ran an additional risk.
Because it was my ovarian reserve that had been called into question, and they couldn't pin point whether it was a quality or quantity issue, there were additional 'things' to consider. If it was the quanity we had no way of telling if I was producing an egg that month. If it was quality than we increased our chance of conceiving a special needs child.
The idea of donor eggs was unbearable for me. I couldn't imagine carrying a child that was 1/2 my husband's and 1/2 someone elses. I knew that if it became necessary I may be able to wrap my head around it, but in that moment we had another choice. One that increased our chances quite a bit.
We decided to go with IVF almost immediately. I was proud of how easily I fell into this decision, considering a few months before the idea of IVF had brought me to tears. But with this option our chances increased quite a bit. We had over a 40% chance of getting pregnant and normal chances of taking home a live baby at the end of all of it. I have to admit, that since we didn't have a fertility clinic here, the idea of taking a month off work to live in a whole new city had its appeal too!
The cost of IVF, plus the travel plans we'd have to make was a bit daunting. We knew the procedure would cost at least $7,000, the drugs about $5,000, plus two return flights, a hotel for a month, food, a car rental, etc. But this was one area we didn't dwell too long. This was an area we had some control.
1. IUI
2. IVF
3. Donor Eggs
Since our set back stemmed from my poor ovarian reserve (egg storage) and my husband's unpredictable sperm, We ruled out IUI. This had been our fall back while we were in the 'unexplained infertility' category. We didn't want to pull out the big guns, when a little one would do.... but, once the issue had been identified we quickly saw the cons in the IUI choice.
IUI is a bit of a short cut in a way. Ovulation is monitored and once 'it's time' then off to the clinic you go and sperm is injected into the body much closer to the eggs. This means less swimming and searching for the little guys, which hopefully means a better chance of conception. For us, our chances only increased to 7% if we decided to use this option. Though it was significantly less expensive than the other two options, it ran an additional risk.
Because it was my ovarian reserve that had been called into question, and they couldn't pin point whether it was a quality or quantity issue, there were additional 'things' to consider. If it was the quanity we had no way of telling if I was producing an egg that month. If it was quality than we increased our chance of conceiving a special needs child.
The idea of donor eggs was unbearable for me. I couldn't imagine carrying a child that was 1/2 my husband's and 1/2 someone elses. I knew that if it became necessary I may be able to wrap my head around it, but in that moment we had another choice. One that increased our chances quite a bit.
We decided to go with IVF almost immediately. I was proud of how easily I fell into this decision, considering a few months before the idea of IVF had brought me to tears. But with this option our chances increased quite a bit. We had over a 40% chance of getting pregnant and normal chances of taking home a live baby at the end of all of it. I have to admit, that since we didn't have a fertility clinic here, the idea of taking a month off work to live in a whole new city had its appeal too!
The cost of IVF, plus the travel plans we'd have to make was a bit daunting. We knew the procedure would cost at least $7,000, the drugs about $5,000, plus two return flights, a hotel for a month, food, a car rental, etc. But this was one area we didn't dwell too long. This was an area we had some control.
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
The Tally Branch
Poking and proding, so far...
(From August 2009 - March 2010)
Blood Tests - 9
Urine Tests - 1
HSG - 1
MRI - 1
Months on Chaste Tree - 5 months
Months on Clomid - 3 months
Ultra Sound External - 1
Ultra Sound Internal - 2
Months of Saliva Testing - 6
Months of BBT - 4
(From August 2009 - March 2010)
Blood Tests - 9
Urine Tests - 1
HSG - 1
MRI - 1
Months on Chaste Tree - 5 months
Months on Clomid - 3 months
Ultra Sound External - 1
Ultra Sound Internal - 2
Months of Saliva Testing - 6
Months of BBT - 4
Saturday, May 28, 2011
The Politically Correct Branch
I used to think all this political correctness talk was confusing. It made life complicated and it was so easy to put your foot in your month if you weren't up to date on the latest title. Having spent some time up in this tree, I've had a bit of time to think about how to get down.... and being politically correct seems like a good step.
It's always bothered me when doctors would refer to me as infertile or talk about my infertility.... especially before they had a diagnosis. It wasn't until I read The Secret (yes, I read The Secret) that I began to think about the power of attraction. I started to think of different ways to attract positivity into my life and somehow refering to myself as infertile didn't seem like the best idea. If the universe was listening it would more than likely pass right over me without a kiss from the baby wand, after all, I was sending out "can't" vibes all over the place.
I've hemmed and hawed over what title should be appropriate. "Fertility Challenged" was really the only thing that came close, at first. Though it wasn't perfect because it still suggested a negative outcome, we didn't want this to be a challenge, we wanted this to be as easy as it could be, yes?
Eventually it dawned on me. "I am fertile." "I am fertile." "I am fertile." I may have been told I only have a 1-2% chance, but that still made me fertile. How dare anyone try to take that away from me!
I now go to the Dr's to talk about my fertility or take fertility drugs or research fertility, it's one of many changes I've made to my life to keep it positive.
It's always bothered me when doctors would refer to me as infertile or talk about my infertility.... especially before they had a diagnosis. It wasn't until I read The Secret (yes, I read The Secret) that I began to think about the power of attraction. I started to think of different ways to attract positivity into my life and somehow refering to myself as infertile didn't seem like the best idea. If the universe was listening it would more than likely pass right over me without a kiss from the baby wand, after all, I was sending out "can't" vibes all over the place.
I've hemmed and hawed over what title should be appropriate. "Fertility Challenged" was really the only thing that came close, at first. Though it wasn't perfect because it still suggested a negative outcome, we didn't want this to be a challenge, we wanted this to be as easy as it could be, yes?
Eventually it dawned on me. "I am fertile." "I am fertile." "I am fertile." I may have been told I only have a 1-2% chance, but that still made me fertile. How dare anyone try to take that away from me!
I now go to the Dr's to talk about my fertility or take fertility drugs or research fertility, it's one of many changes I've made to my life to keep it positive.
Sunday, May 22, 2011
The Education Branch
For KB
I once read that dealing with fertility issues can cause the same amount of stress as dealing with cancer or AIDS. What I'm about to write may not feel very positive, but I'm writing it because I hope that, with some luck, this might fall across the lap of someone who can get pregnant at the drop of hat and will help them to understand what their friend or co-worker who can't, needs.
Since people these days seems to have a better understanding of cancer, I'm going to use this to highlight my thoughts.
1. Would you ask a cancer patient when they were going to get healthy? As much as we'd like to think pregnancy is in our control, it's not, those who plan their conceptions really just get lucky, the rest of us have to leave it up to Mother Nature or Science or the combination of the two. And since you really can't tell who might be having a hard time conceiving and who might just be waiting, you're better off not asking at all.
2. Would you say to a cancer patient "Why don't you get Chemo?" 'Cause we know that Chemo puts some cancers to rest, but not all and we also know that it's a really icky experience not to be taken lightly, so to tell someone who can't get pregnant on their own "Why don't you adopt?" or "Why don't you do IVF?" Well, its a lot simpler to say than to do.
IVF is a month long process that includes self administered needles three times a day for two weeks, regular internal ultra sounds and blood tests, if your body responds well to this part of the treatment then eggs are sucked out of your body through a thin tube placed in your cervix. A lot of drugs are used to kill the pain of this experience. Depending on how many eggs your potentially bloated body mananged to produce this could take two minutes or twenty.
The embriologists let the sperm and the eggs meet in a petrie dish or the embriologist will help the sperm connect with the eggs with a needle, only a portion of the eggs will successfully fertilize, then they wait to see which ones mature. If any mature they are inserted back into the body (with a very full bladder) in much the same way as they were taken out, only less painfully and then you go home and wait.
Two weeks later more blood is drawn, if all goes well in a few days time you'll have a positive pregnancy test, at this time you'll take another blood test to confirm. There is about a 50% chance you'll get a yes, but like all other pregnancies miscarriage is higher in the first three months, so the chances of actually taking a baby home are lower. All of this fun for the low price of $15,000-$20,000, per try.
Adoption is about the same. The cost can start around $15,000 and land anywhere in the upwards area. You need to fill out paper work and you need to find three friends to vouch for you. The social worker watches your family for three months and asks all kinds of prying (but kind, I'm sure) questions. These questions can range from, "Who cooks dinner?" to "How often do you have intercourse?" You also get to choose what your preferences are. Such as: "We'd like a girl" or "We don't want a child with a disability" After you've been approved you wait.
Sometimes people are lucky enough to get a child right away (the less pickier, the quicker), others wait years or even decades. Very few will receive a newborn. Even international adoptions yield very few newborns.
For some these 'easy' solutions are just as emotional and exhausting as trying to conceive naturally.
3. Would you tell someone with Cancer if they just learned to handle their stress they could be healthy again? While stress can make you sick we also know that there are so many other factors that can cause Cancer. Fertility works the same. A common diagnosis for those experiencing trouble is unexplained infertility, because the Dr's can't figure out why this is happening. Reproduction still has many missing puzzle pieces.
4. Would you tell a cancer patient that they can have your life if they wanted? No, because you know it's not possible. Someone who can't make babies will see your light and funny offer to take your children as insulting. For starters they know you're not serious, you'd never give your children up, so you're essentially teasing them and in the same breath you're taking for granted and making light of the miracle the universe allowed you. Essentially you're showing someone who has no power over the gift of conception that you think you do. It kinda feels like you're saying "It's okay, its easy for me to make another one."
5. Would you tell a Cancer patient that _______________ will fix the problem? When I say ____________ I mean things like eating yams, or wearing boxers, or having sex under a full moon, or standing on your head afterwards? Chances are you would, because you care about the person's happiness, but I've learned you're better off keeping those ideas to yourself. I'd lay bets that anyone going through this has already heard your idea from their Dr or has done their research on the internet. What is needed is understanding when we act out of character or disapear from family functions. What is needed is a shoulder to cry on and a freind to vent to. We need someone to listen and to tell us that we're not crazy. And in my experience, with some of the things I felt I needed to do to get through all of this, I really needed strong people in my life who would know my actions were about healing me and not hurting them.
Which brings me to:
6. Would you be upset if a dying cancer patient chose not to come to someone's 50th birthday party? If they appeared healthy, you might not understand that the person who only has a few months left to live might have a hard time celebrating a milestone they may never see. So if someone having trouble trying to conceive RSVPs no to a baby shower, or christening or doesn't come to see your child at the hospital after it's born, know that this has nothing to do with you. They're at home crying their eyes out because they feel a complex mix of emotions that include feeling sorry for themself, happy for you, jealous, frustrated, angry, etc.
It's a bit of a shot in the dark, but I know for me, I'd prefer to be invited to such an event, so at least I could show the Mother-to-be that I was happy for her by sending a gift with someone, even if I couldn't bring myself to be there pysically. Some would prefer to pretend that these things aren't happening at all. Neither is wrong.
Some things you could keep in mind to be more sensitive to any one who might be experiencing these frustrations:
I know for me, I often felt a moment of panic when I ran into a obviously pregnant woman. My stomach would drop, I'm sure my eyes bulged and my cheeks may have even flushed. Their very obvious fertility only highlighted my lack of it. I felt small in a pregnant woman's presence, insignificant and left behind. She was chosen and special, I was the kid no one wanted on their team.
It was important for me when I was around those women that life not revolve around their miracle. I could get through those moments if the belly was ignored. We could talk about the weather, what we had for lunch, who was just kicked off American Idol, but your due date, maternity clothes, names you're picking out, furniture you're ordering, how excited and blessed you are only helped to drive the point home and me crazy, often with greif. For the most part I'd have preferred to just turn around and walk the other way than take the chance that someone would understand what I needed.
Heck, I stopped logging on to facebook for awhile because I was afraid of being surprised by someone's ultra sound pic, happy announcement, or first days of life pics. There were some friends that when I saw their name in my email inbox I would hesitat in opening their message, because even though they knew what I was going through, they just didn't get it.
I'm sure a senstive person wouldn't tell their sick with cancer friend how the dr. gushed with a glowing report of health and that the Dr. thinks you'll live to be 100. If you didn't know what kind of feelings you were drumming up for your friend with cancer, you'd at least know that those kinds of things would leave them feeling hurt.
I know it's hard to watch everything you say, but the first step is to remember that starting a family is private and personal. If someone isn't telling you, then you shouldn't be asking. After that it gets a bit more complicated, but if you do your best to let that person guide the situation and remember their decisions are about them and not about you, then things should be a little less complicated....???? Yes???
I once read that dealing with fertility issues can cause the same amount of stress as dealing with cancer or AIDS. What I'm about to write may not feel very positive, but I'm writing it because I hope that, with some luck, this might fall across the lap of someone who can get pregnant at the drop of hat and will help them to understand what their friend or co-worker who can't, needs.
Since people these days seems to have a better understanding of cancer, I'm going to use this to highlight my thoughts.
1. Would you ask a cancer patient when they were going to get healthy? As much as we'd like to think pregnancy is in our control, it's not, those who plan their conceptions really just get lucky, the rest of us have to leave it up to Mother Nature or Science or the combination of the two. And since you really can't tell who might be having a hard time conceiving and who might just be waiting, you're better off not asking at all.
2. Would you say to a cancer patient "Why don't you get Chemo?" 'Cause we know that Chemo puts some cancers to rest, but not all and we also know that it's a really icky experience not to be taken lightly, so to tell someone who can't get pregnant on their own "Why don't you adopt?" or "Why don't you do IVF?" Well, its a lot simpler to say than to do.
IVF is a month long process that includes self administered needles three times a day for two weeks, regular internal ultra sounds and blood tests, if your body responds well to this part of the treatment then eggs are sucked out of your body through a thin tube placed in your cervix. A lot of drugs are used to kill the pain of this experience. Depending on how many eggs your potentially bloated body mananged to produce this could take two minutes or twenty.
The embriologists let the sperm and the eggs meet in a petrie dish or the embriologist will help the sperm connect with the eggs with a needle, only a portion of the eggs will successfully fertilize, then they wait to see which ones mature. If any mature they are inserted back into the body (with a very full bladder) in much the same way as they were taken out, only less painfully and then you go home and wait.
Two weeks later more blood is drawn, if all goes well in a few days time you'll have a positive pregnancy test, at this time you'll take another blood test to confirm. There is about a 50% chance you'll get a yes, but like all other pregnancies miscarriage is higher in the first three months, so the chances of actually taking a baby home are lower. All of this fun for the low price of $15,000-$20,000, per try.
Adoption is about the same. The cost can start around $15,000 and land anywhere in the upwards area. You need to fill out paper work and you need to find three friends to vouch for you. The social worker watches your family for three months and asks all kinds of prying (but kind, I'm sure) questions. These questions can range from, "Who cooks dinner?" to "How often do you have intercourse?" You also get to choose what your preferences are. Such as: "We'd like a girl" or "We don't want a child with a disability" After you've been approved you wait.
Sometimes people are lucky enough to get a child right away (the less pickier, the quicker), others wait years or even decades. Very few will receive a newborn. Even international adoptions yield very few newborns.
For some these 'easy' solutions are just as emotional and exhausting as trying to conceive naturally.
3. Would you tell someone with Cancer if they just learned to handle their stress they could be healthy again? While stress can make you sick we also know that there are so many other factors that can cause Cancer. Fertility works the same. A common diagnosis for those experiencing trouble is unexplained infertility, because the Dr's can't figure out why this is happening. Reproduction still has many missing puzzle pieces.
4. Would you tell a cancer patient that they can have your life if they wanted? No, because you know it's not possible. Someone who can't make babies will see your light and funny offer to take your children as insulting. For starters they know you're not serious, you'd never give your children up, so you're essentially teasing them and in the same breath you're taking for granted and making light of the miracle the universe allowed you. Essentially you're showing someone who has no power over the gift of conception that you think you do. It kinda feels like you're saying "It's okay, its easy for me to make another one."
5. Would you tell a Cancer patient that _______________ will fix the problem? When I say ____________ I mean things like eating yams, or wearing boxers, or having sex under a full moon, or standing on your head afterwards? Chances are you would, because you care about the person's happiness, but I've learned you're better off keeping those ideas to yourself. I'd lay bets that anyone going through this has already heard your idea from their Dr or has done their research on the internet. What is needed is understanding when we act out of character or disapear from family functions. What is needed is a shoulder to cry on and a freind to vent to. We need someone to listen and to tell us that we're not crazy. And in my experience, with some of the things I felt I needed to do to get through all of this, I really needed strong people in my life who would know my actions were about healing me and not hurting them.
Which brings me to:
6. Would you be upset if a dying cancer patient chose not to come to someone's 50th birthday party? If they appeared healthy, you might not understand that the person who only has a few months left to live might have a hard time celebrating a milestone they may never see. So if someone having trouble trying to conceive RSVPs no to a baby shower, or christening or doesn't come to see your child at the hospital after it's born, know that this has nothing to do with you. They're at home crying their eyes out because they feel a complex mix of emotions that include feeling sorry for themself, happy for you, jealous, frustrated, angry, etc.
It's a bit of a shot in the dark, but I know for me, I'd prefer to be invited to such an event, so at least I could show the Mother-to-be that I was happy for her by sending a gift with someone, even if I couldn't bring myself to be there pysically. Some would prefer to pretend that these things aren't happening at all. Neither is wrong.
Some things you could keep in mind to be more sensitive to any one who might be experiencing these frustrations:
I know for me, I often felt a moment of panic when I ran into a obviously pregnant woman. My stomach would drop, I'm sure my eyes bulged and my cheeks may have even flushed. Their very obvious fertility only highlighted my lack of it. I felt small in a pregnant woman's presence, insignificant and left behind. She was chosen and special, I was the kid no one wanted on their team.
It was important for me when I was around those women that life not revolve around their miracle. I could get through those moments if the belly was ignored. We could talk about the weather, what we had for lunch, who was just kicked off American Idol, but your due date, maternity clothes, names you're picking out, furniture you're ordering, how excited and blessed you are only helped to drive the point home and me crazy, often with greif. For the most part I'd have preferred to just turn around and walk the other way than take the chance that someone would understand what I needed.
Heck, I stopped logging on to facebook for awhile because I was afraid of being surprised by someone's ultra sound pic, happy announcement, or first days of life pics. There were some friends that when I saw their name in my email inbox I would hesitat in opening their message, because even though they knew what I was going through, they just didn't get it.
I'm sure a senstive person wouldn't tell their sick with cancer friend how the dr. gushed with a glowing report of health and that the Dr. thinks you'll live to be 100. If you didn't know what kind of feelings you were drumming up for your friend with cancer, you'd at least know that those kinds of things would leave them feeling hurt.
I know it's hard to watch everything you say, but the first step is to remember that starting a family is private and personal. If someone isn't telling you, then you shouldn't be asking. After that it gets a bit more complicated, but if you do your best to let that person guide the situation and remember their decisions are about them and not about you, then things should be a little less complicated....???? Yes???
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Poetry Branch
I found an O magazine a few weeks ago and have been slowly leafing through it reading one wonderful article after another. This issue touches on poetry and the article I'm reading right now, a poet named Mary Oliver is interviewed, a women I would suddenly like to know more about. They've published one of her poems in the article, something that speaks to a deeper me each time I read it.
If anyone has battled with negative self talk or tried turning their days from dark to light, this poem may speak to you too.
The Journey
By Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations -
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life you could save.
If anyone has battled with negative self talk or tried turning their days from dark to light, this poem may speak to you too.
The Journey
By Mary Oliver
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice -
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations -
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice,
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do -
determined to save
the only life you could save.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
The New Age Branch
I think I was reading the Celestine Prophecy when I developed this picture in my head, but ever since I was a young 20 something I've believed that the energy connecting us is where babies come from. They float around and form into something that has a purpose and it's first step in achieving that purpose is to find a vessle in which to be born from. There is scrutinizing criteria in this search and the parents chosen will provide a "balancing" energy to help that 'child' do what's it's meant to do in life.
I struggled greatly with this belief when it appeared, monthly, that no one saw my husband and I worthy of their mission. It was a level of rejection I didn't know how to deal with.
It wasn't until our recent diagnosis that an explanation occured to me. Just because we haven't gotten pregnant yet, doesn't mean no one's lining up to be a part of our family. It only means that no one has been handed a key, just yet.
The key is now in our hands.
I struggled greatly with this belief when it appeared, monthly, that no one saw my husband and I worthy of their mission. It was a level of rejection I didn't know how to deal with.
It wasn't until our recent diagnosis that an explanation occured to me. Just because we haven't gotten pregnant yet, doesn't mean no one's lining up to be a part of our family. It only means that no one has been handed a key, just yet.
The key is now in our hands.
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